Hey, GMan, what’s a girl gotta do to get a little love from you? I read last week that you now have a fabulous fiancé? Is it weird that makes me want you more? Will you PM me a private pic later? I promise it won’t go viral!
Suzanne ∆∆∆, 21 – Norman, OK
Well, helloooo Suzanne! You tri-Delts are some dirty little girls…and I LOVE it! We’ll pretend for a second that I don’t have a Fabulous Fiancé while I talk about how you “get a little love” from the GMan. You’re on the right track. You see, The GMan doesn’t chase girls; girls chase the G. 97.2% of chicks I’ve gotten down with kissed me first. Partly because I’m scared to kiss new girls. Next time I’m at OU doing a blog signing, ask me to go for some drinks afterward. Take me to a dive bar. As we stand at the bar—I’m ordering Jack Daniels Rocks and you’re ordering anything but Jack Daniels Rocks—you’ll gently rub your chest on my arm. We’ll sit down in a booth, each on our own side, and you’ll tell me how I’m a great writer and that you love my new stuff as much as my old stuff. You’ll tell me stories, but not any stupid-ass stories about your dumbass ex-boyfriend who was more interested in watching football and playing Xbox than talking to you. Crinkle your eyes and look at me like I’m a new Barbie. After a few drinks, move to my side of the table and rest your thigh on mine. Wear a lot of perfume—something floral. I want to smell you on my shirt when I get back from tour. When the bar closes, we’ll go back to your place and make out. If it goes past a certain point, the magic will be ruined. This Almost will leave us with The Question. We’ll think about it when we’re older. You’ll watch my career, as life goes on with your husband and kids. Every fall, you’ll be just a little bit sad. There will be that song that you only listen to at that time of year. Alone and in your car, taking the long way home.
Next, it’s not weird that my engagement makes you want me more. Chicks want what other chicks have.
(Pretend I don’t have a fiancé again.) I will NOT send you a pic in a PM…until you send me one. I want to see your face and your belly button because that’s how I roll. As far as me sending you a pic, we’ll see.
A note to the fellas: Don’t ever send a picture of your dick to anyone. Especially if your face is in it. Tell the chick you will. Go buy some Johnston & Murphy’s and striped socks and send her a pick of that. Buy some fancy boxer briefs and send her a pic of the waist band. These teases will keep her going and keep her sending you pics of her sweet ass. And by the way, unless your dick is as pretty as mine, no one wants to see it.
Send that pic, Suzanne. I can’t wait!
I wish more men understood the struggles of women like you do. I am a fair-skinned girl who has years of massive spray tan fails under her belt. When I moved to Dallas a few years ago, I noticed that everyone was so hot and tan. I immediately started tanning and more than once I have looked like a streaky orange oompa-loompa. And those lotions at the grocery store are comical. Now, there are new custom spray tans done by people instead of machines where you stand there naked in front of a stranger and get customized colors and treatment with this spray gun thing so I am really considering giving this another chance. These magical spray tan professionals can make you look skinnier than you are. How great is this?! I am still a bit nervous so I just wanted to ask you if tanning is something you look for in a woman. Do guys really care about this stuff? What about that smell? I kind of hate the way I smell like not-vanilla.
Just want to look good for you,
Sara Beth ∆Γ, Kilgore, TX, born and raised
Sara Beth, I love Delta Gamma girls! (Why all the sorority chicks this time?) I can tell already that you’re a smart girl. You read my blog, and you’re hesitant to follow the standard Dallas Bitches down the Candy Midget Path. In general, dudes don’t really give a shit how tan girls are. I think pale skin is a classic look. Of course there are those girls that are just too fucking pale, and in that case, get you a nice spray tan. Sounds like that custom shit is the way to go. Fake tans are kinda like fake titties in that way: Only if necessary and don’t use a fucking coupon. That streaky orange shit is just gross. I don’t want to fuck a Cheeto.
That being said, a nice spray can also lead to some comical…well I’ll just call them issues. I dated this girl—we’ll call her Splashley—and she got one of those fancy spray tans. Her hair was almost black and her fair skin was hot. For some crazy-ass reason, she decided that she looked gross. She didn’t give a fuck what I thought. The tan looked natural and there were no streaks. I loved the smell, by the way. Smelled like a stripper at the beach. MMMM. Anyway, there were some unexpected side effects of the fancy spray tan. There were parts of her body—creases in her elbows for example—that looked a bit purplish. She told me those areas would go back to normal in no time. I didn’t give a fuck due to the fact that she was hot. That night while we were watching Mary Poppins, I got all horny and decided to go down on her right as the penguins were serving up the tea and shit. I pulled those panties off and was shocked to see that her pussy lips were Kool-Aid purple. Purple pussy lips? What the actual fuck? And let me tell you, it did NOT taste like grape drank. I think the chemicals fucked up her PH balance and made it taste like…Never mind. Due to non-pussy-taste reason, we broke up soon after that and she ended up on a reality TV show about people addicted to eating crayons and shit.
So Sara Beth, make yourself happy as far as your tan goes, but put some bandaids over those sweet pussy flaps!
PS. To quote the Urban Poet Nelly, “As long as you are thicky thicky thick, girl, you know that it’s on.”
1. I can already tell that this will be the first of many.
2. My google image searches didn't go quite as I'd planned. At all. Never EVER google "tranny" ever. "Hot girls in bad clothes" also leaves a bit to be desired, for the purposes of this blog at least.
When I first teased this edition of Ask the GMan on Facebook, a friend asked “What constitutes a woman?” At first, I was like, Oh fuck. Then I realized how important that question is to such a piece. Of course, I could talk about gender theorists like Simone de Beauvoir who said, “One is not born a woman, one becomes a one.” She obviously is talking about gender as a construction of the culture and not biology. Fuck that. I’m not saying that sweet Simone is not “right” or that the entire question is bullshit. But. Well. Moving on: Biology doesn’t provide such easy answers to the gender question either. There are extra chromosomes and shit that can make a person basically two genders, or how the fuck ever many genders there are these days. But once you throw in extra chromosomes, you’re on the fast-track to talking about retards, etc., and that’s one hole I’d rather not go down.
The same day I posted the teaser for this edition, my Fabulous Fiancé and I went to Kroger to get some cat food and Fire and Ice Rubbers—a Friday night tradition in our house. Anyway, as we were checking out, we heard a wild super-gay racket coming from behind us. There was a dude with another dude-who-was-a-chick holding a pink dog. The dude-who-was-a-chick grossed me the fuck out. Don’t get me wrong; I’m totally down with drag queens and trannies—oops, I mean transgendered persons—but this person looked fucking scary. “Holy shit,” I said quietly to FF. “I would rather suck every dick in the Kroger than kiss that dude/chick.” (We go to the gay Kroger, so there were probably hundreds of dicks in there, just begging to be sucked by the Le G.) She said, “Really?” I said, “Fuck yeah! Did you see his/her lips? He/she needs to sue her/his doctor. Fucking nasty.” I made an inaudible retch noise. I’m not kidding either; I would suck ALL the DICKS. I now I sound like an asshole, but you know that dude-who-was-a-chick was looking for attention. Probably enjoyed the bad at least as much as the good.
So, for the sake of this edition of Ask the GMan, the word “woman” means someone with a pussy she didn’t pay for and who claims to be a chick.
I always blow my paycheck on clothes! I can’t stop myself. I want to look hot. So…I started to wonder, who am I looking hot for? My super-sexy hubby who doesn’t really care what I look like as long as my clothes are off? Or for the ladies? My girlfriends and I are always talking clothes, shoes, etc. Is it just my man or do men just not care about fashion?
Kellie - 30
Fort Worth, TX
Yeehaw! Kellie, you have a few complicated questions going on here, but luckily, you’ve come to the right place. I bet your super-sexy hubby does care what you look like, nekkid or not. You’re probably hot and you are always dressed well, so he doesn’t really notice. (That sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not. People don’t pay much attention to noses unless you have a really busted-ass nose.) If you started to dress in MeeMaw clothes, he would definitely notice! It is obvious that you care what he thinks, so you are dressing for him, whether either of you knows it or not. AND just because he doesn’t know the difference between Alexander Wang and Manolo Blahnik, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. He probably doesn’t know the exact difference between a thong, a g-string, and a T-back, and he definitely cares about that!
That being said, you’re also dressing up for your girlfriends. Girls can be total bitches to other girls. Y’all can be some judgy assholes sometimes. (Don’t deny it, ladies; you know I’m right.) Most women I know want to be just a little hotter than their friends—if not a lot hotter. And that’s ok. On the other hand, they are your friends and fashion is something you care about. It’s almost like a bunch of dudes talking about baseball or whatever.
Men do care about fashion, but just not the same way you do. If you’re hot enough, you could be wearing a dress made of poop and he would probably be cool with that…as long as your boobs are popping out. Confused yet? Me too.
Don’t be slave to fashion, be a slave to HOT,
Send your questions to the GMan in the comment section or whatever digital communication platform is available to you! I can't wait. XXX
Normally I'm not attracted to black women, but there is a food truck near my work that serves the best Monte Cristo sandwiches you can imagine. The girl who takes my order is black, has a big smile, and giant boobs. Every time I go, she smiles and tells me she wants me to bang her inside the truck. Once she said I could go back door (inside her booty) up against the prep station with all the meat and vegetables. I'm thinking about it, GMan, but she's not my type. Also, I've never gone back door. Am I racist or just horny? Should I bang the food truck girl?
Bill, 48 – Round Rock, TX
Jesus Christ, Bill! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? FUCK YES, you should bang the colored food truck girl. Yes, you are probably racist, but so is everyone else. Yes, you’re horny. (And Bill, we all know that “back door” means inside the booty.) First of all, you never know what you’re missing til you try it out. Once you go black, you never go back! I don’t know if that’s true or not, but who cares? It’s all pink in the middle!
Here’s what you do: Buy some rubbers; you don’t want to go raw dawg in the butthole. Go to the food truck right before close and order up the Monte Cristo. Then, bust in the back door (of the food truck). Stick that sandwich between her butt cheeks and eat it all the way to the hole. I like to call this move the Double Decker Delicious Booty Meat Sandwich. If this girl’s buttcheeks can’t hold a Monte Cristo, then you need to find a different black chick. Once you’ve fueled up, give it to her good. While you’re slaying that butthole, reach around and tickle her clit. Don’t be stingy while you’re giving a chick anal. (You can quote the GMan on that.) After she has a few orgasms, turn her around and put her up on the prep table so you can get her in the front cunt. Sweep all the vegetables and shit off on to the floor. You need to do this for two reasons. 1. It looks cool, like in the movies. 2. You don’t want to cross-contaminate. (Ass to Pussy doesn’t count as cross-contamination, as long as you turn the rubber inside-out.)
Good luck, playa!
GMan, or whatever your name is, I’ve been reading your blogs and stories for years. You’re a fucking misogynist asshole. You really think it’s okay to masturbate looking at private photos of people? You think it’s okay to want to have intercourse with underage cheerleaders? I bet you beat women and kick dogs. You probably have a small penis too. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Myrtle, 19 – Denton, TX
Sweet, Myrtle, there’s only one thing wrong with me: You just took your first Feminist Lit class. You are so precious!
Be cool. Stay in School.
GMan!!! Squeeeee! I wanna do it with you so bad. I “jack my clit” every time I read your work. You are a true artist. Anyway, there is the new fad of making mac and cheese by boiling the pasta in milk and then adding butter and cheese without draining. This seems blasphemous. Are you for or against?
Blair, 35 – Dallas, TX
Wow, Blair! Thank you so much. My Fabulous Fiancé also heard about this new method and she also thinks it’s blasphemous. Obviously, there is nothing the fuck wrong with you because you have great taste in men. But I have to disagree on the Mac and Cheese issue. This shit sounds fucking delicious. All that creaminess sounds like blasphemy to you? You crazy, girl! I want to eat that shit RIGHT NOW. And not only does it sound super awesome, it’s your moral obligation to make it this way. There are thirsty kids in Africa who need that macaroni water. (Picture a cute little African kid.) You’re just going to pour it down the drain anyway. Think about how good it would feel to bottle up the water you would use on the mac and send that shit to Somalia. Not only would this kid get some clean water to drink, but there’s a good chance that your generosity could prevent a future pirate from coming into existence. That little guy might just end up going to Harvard and saving his homeland from AIDS and terrorists and Ebola and all the other horrible shit that goes on in Africa. Bono will proud, and your man will give you a proper reach-around!
Much Love, Blair XO
Dear GMan, I heard this show on NPR about this scientist who would manually pleasure the adolescent dolphin she worked with so he would calm down. My kitty is about three months old and he’s always digging in my purse, and while he’s digging, his tiny red thingy pokes out of his furry knob down there. Should I use my hand on him to calm him down so he stops getting tampons and hair ties out of my purse? He’s just soooo cute! ;)
Christina, 32 – Las Colinas, TX
Holy shit, Christina! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? I was thinking that this was almost a reasonable question until you mentioned your kitty’s cuteness. That’s when it got creepy. No, you should NOT under any circumstances jerk off your cat. I heard that episode of Radio Lab too, and that lady sounded like a fucking freak. This question worries me. Jerking off animals can seem like a noble gesture on some basic level. You’re helping your little buddy out and it’s obviously consensual—assuming the animal’s boner and nutbusting is a form of consent. The problem is that giving your kitty a hanjee is a gateway drug. Before long you got a dog and you’re buying peanut butter at Sam’s. Who knows after that? Hampster dildos and shit? That shit is just fucking wrong. Again, do NOT jerk off your cat. Go find a therapist. Zip your fucking purse.
Thanks for reading,
GMan, one of my students wants to fuck. She’s a cheerleader and she’s super hot. She doesn’t wear panties to my class. She said she wants to do a hurkey on my cock! She’s 17!!! Maybe if I fuck her, she’ll calm down like the lady with the dolphin and the other lady with the horny cat. A teaching moment?
Dan, 24 – Amarillo, TX
Well, Dan, 17 is legal in the Great State of Texas. Wait, no! What the fuck is wrong with me? Do not under any circumstances (unless the Zombies are coming) fuck your student. First of all, you’ll get fired. What the fuck are you gonna do in Amarillo after that? Shovel shit? Secondly, it’s just wrong. Why? Because I’m telling myself to tell you it’s wrong. You’re also trying pretty damn hard to convince both of us that you should fuck her, which gives me pause. Legal age. Hot. Cheerleader. No panties. !@#$%^&*&^%$#@. (Sorry got distracted.) Teaching moment? Seriously? No one is buying that shit. And finally, you do NOT want anybody, no matter how hot, to do a hurkey on your dick. That shit hurts like a motherfucker, or so I’ve heard. You can break your dick, or so I’ve heard.
Keep it in your pants, brother!
Hey GMan! Your shit literally makes me laugh out loud. Anyway, I was wondering if it is gay to like Justin Timberlake.
Gabe, 39 – Carlsbad, NM
Thanks, Gabe. Fuck no, it’s not gay! When InSync came out, I was in a metal band called Grandma’s Death Chamber and I definitely thought they were all gay as fuck. But as time passed, JT and I both matured. I didn’t want to admit it at first, but that is one talented motherfucker. He can sing, dance, act, and he’s damn good looking. I could watch him sing and dance all day! Especially the dancing. Jesus Christ, I wish I could dance like that. It hits something deep inside of me, like I was a great dancer in a former life or something. It’s almost too perfect. Know what I mean? I get the same feeling watching Catherine Zeta Jones dance in Chicago. Ok, well, not the exact same feeling, because every few minutes while I’m watching her dance, I think, “Goddamnit! I would love to fuck her fucking silly!” I don’t get that when I watch Justin Timberlake. I mostly want to BE him. I want people to watch me dance and sing like that. I want to make other people feel the way he makes me feel. So if you’re just watching him dance and NOT thinking, “Goddamnit! I would love to fuck him fucking silly,” it’s not gay at all. On the other hand, if you’re thinking about fucking him, you’re probably gay. And if you are gay, fuck it! Go find some cool gay dudes to kick it with!
Love (No Homo),
I’m so fucking excited, I can barely type.
About 9 this morning, my buddy texted me a photo of a hot nekkid chick with awesome titties. She was standing in a mirror with some dude. There was text in the text, but I had to look at the titties first. Before I enlarged the pic, I thought the dude was my buddy. Usually, I would think this was in bad taste, but this chick was so hot I figured I could forgive him. When I opened the picture, I realized it was not my buddy, which was a relief and also made me a little sad for him. The text of the text said something about Apple getting hacked and pics of famous chicks were all over Twitter. I asked if he had any more of those pics and he sent me a Jennifer Lawrence pic. JESUS H. CHRIST. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. I immediately opened up the Twitter and started searching. A few minutes later, the emails, texts, and Facebook messages started rolling in, asking my opinion on the whole thing and whether people should look at those pics. Here’s my reply:
What the actual fuck is wrong with you!?!? Of course, you should look at hot nekkid movie star chicks!!! Any time someone says, “Hey, you wanna look at this picture of a hot nekkid chick?” you ALWAYS say, “Fuck yeah!” I don’t give a fuck if the hot chick in question is a celebrity or not. Everybody likes to see hot nekkid chicks and life is short. Celebrity nekkid chicks? Super Duper Fuck Yeah! This is a gift from the Gods.
Some of Tweets and shit said you shouldn’t look and it’s wrong and respect these poor hot famous chicks’ privacy blah blah blah. I say, “If the titties (and snatches) are out there already, might as well check em out.” Jennifer Lawrence is probably going to be really mad at me when she reads this—of course, she reads my blog. Before I wrote this, there was a good chance that I could have boned her at some point in the future, which I’ve probably now ruined. What Jennifer is forgetting is that I have a Fabulous Girlfriend and wouldn’t bang her in real life anyway.
But…that’s not to say I always felt this way. I wanted to do it with JL since I first saw her. Ok, maybe not the first time because that movie was sad as fuck and she was probably too young. But now that she’s “of age” and her movies aren’t all so fucking sad, I would eat that pussy up to her throat! Jesus! Ok, enough of that. Sorry, JL L
One has to ask oneself, “How would I feel if that were me or my girlfriend or whatever?” I can honestly say that I don’t give a fuck who sees my dong. Though not the largest one ever, it’s very aesthetically pleasing. Also, back in my Rock N Roll days, I showed that bad boy to anyone who would look. On stage. No shit. So, what if people were looking at pics of my Fabulous Girlfriend nekkid? (People all over the world have probably been masturbating to us forever, so it doesn’t really matter.) In this particular medium, I’m ok with it, but that’s not up to me. The main point is that no one should ever trust technology. NEVER. EVER.
If you take a pic on your phone, that shit ends up on DropBox, iCloud, your laptop, your iPad, your TV, and probably your mom’s Facebook page. Fuck that. And the problem is that you have to turn that shit off. Fuck technology. That’s why I kick it old school. I paint pictures of my wiener and send them to my Fabulous Girlfriend in the mail. Way safer.
And speaking of technology, people (misguided feminists mostly) are always saying that shit about airbrushing and fancy makeup and CGI titties and camera filters and all sorts of other shit like that. I’ve always called bullshit on this, but now the proof is officially in the ass pudding. Both of the girls I saw looked fucking awesome! They had shitty lighting, no makeup person, no fancy camera, and no airbrushing. Per-fucking-fection.
So next time someone asks you if you want to see pics of hot nekkid chicks, say, “Fuck yeah!” You officially have the GMan’s approval.
If you need me, I’ll probably be beating off to hot nekkid celebrities for the next week or so.
True story. Well, I’m sure the vaginas themselves didn’t hack my account, but someone did, and it wasn’t cool. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not pervy enough to post naked anything on any social media, unless my cats count as naked, and I don’t think they do. Yesterday, I was super bored and decided to check my history of tweets to see how many were funny and how many were just dumb shit like #WorkSucksHairyBalls. Out of nowhere, a bunch of Asian vaginas popped out at me. “How the fuck did those get there?” I thought. On closer inspection, I realized that “I” had retweeted the Asian vaginas in question.
You may be wondering why I keep pointing out that these vaginas were Asian. First of all, they were Asian. You could see the chicks they belonged to and these chicks were definitely Asian. (By the way, Asian vaginas are PERPINDICULAR to the ground if the owner of the Asian vagina is in an upright position.) Secondly, and I am hesitant to admit this, I am sexually racist. There are no fucked up weird moral ideas behind my sexual racism. I don’t believe in keeping any pure race or anything like that. I say, stick your dick in whatever color hole you want, as long as the hole belongs to a consenting adult. The point is that if I were going to retweet vaginas, they would most likely be vaginas of European descent. So yeah, these were Asian vaginas.
No one likes getting their shit hacked, but this one pissed me off. Why would someone hack someone’s twitter account just to post nudies? I deleted it immediately, which I now realize was a mistake. The goddamn Asian vaginas have been on my feed, or whatever you call it, for a few months, so what’s a few more minutes? I should have investigated. Maybe the pic led to a porn site. Maybe the porn site had some wild shit on there. (Dammit! I was just about to write myself into a really fucked up corner by accident. This corner would have gotten me on a list for sure and people would hate me. I hate when that happens. At least I caught this one in time.)
No one should ever post naked stuff on someone else’s social media. What if my fabulous girlfriend was not so fabulous? She might not believe that my account was hacked by the Asian vaginas. Then she might kick me out. Once kicked out, it wouldn’t be long before I was under the bridge sucking dicks for Keystone Light. Or living with my mom. Either way, that would suck! What if some future employer was doing some research on me, got past all the other crazy shit I wrote, but the Asian vaginas put him or her over the edge. I would be fucking pissed! What if my current boss went snooping around? She’s from central Asia! Oh boy, if she reads this, I’m fucked…which brings me to my actual point.
I am not as nasty as people think I am. Even when I used a literary alter-ego, people still thought I was running around saying and doing those crazy things. One time, I gave a lecture to friend’s class about writing and a couple stories I’d written. Right in the middle of my talking about masculinity and the Four Noble Truths of Writing, this dude said, “Hey, Trey. What kinda titties you like?” Jesus, I thought. I looked over at my friend and she gave me a blank look that actually said, “Hahahahaha! You’re on your own, buddy.” I turned to the student and said, “Um, do you mean my main character?” He said, “Yeah, whatever. Same thing.” I assured him, and the rest of the class, that it was NOT the same thing. Then I said, “He likes all kinds of titties.” He said, “What about you? What kinda titties you like?” I said, “I also like all kinds of titties. Next question!”
So, future and current employers, I’m not as nasty as my writing may lead you to believe, and I do not under any circumstances post pics of vaginas of any ethnicity on social media.
And finally, to you, asshole hackers: I will be coming for you. You’re going to wish all I posted on your account was vaginas.
Hi, Mr. GMan, I love your stuff. I just joined the cross-country team at my school and I’m wondering if you have any tips. I kind of suck.
Liam, 15 – Durant, OK
Liam, thank you so much for asking me a question that doesn’t have to do with sex. I have to ask though, do your parents know you read this? Jesus, I hope not. So glad you asked about running. I was also on the CC team and I also sucked. Coach McCready was an asshole. He used to chase me in a golf cart as I sprinted down the fairways during our golf course workouts. If I would have fallen, I would have died or been seriously injured. The whole time he was yelling, “Goddamnit, Edgington! Run. My granny runs faster and she’s been dead for 20 years!” One time, my dad accidentally ran over my foot as he was dropping me off at practice. Coach McCready called me a baby and told me to run it off. But as much of an asshole he was, he gave me one piece of advice that was priceless: Never stop running. No matter how slow you go. Even if you could walk faster. Never stop running. That piece of advice has never failed me. Not only do I run by it, but I live by it. There have been plenty of times in life that I could have walked faster, but I kept running. (You can learn all the other stuff about running from Runners World and the older guys on your team.)
Happy Running, Little Buddy,
GMan, I think you are like the hottest guy of all time. Anyways, my question is, do guys really care if you like swallow?
Sierra, 26 – Farmer’s Branch, TX
Sierra, thanks about me being the hottest. #Blush. I’m sure you’re hot too. Send me a pic. Down to business: This is actually a pretty complicated answer. Dudes, in general, are so happy about getting a blow job—I’m assuming that’s what you’re referring to—that they don’t give too much of a shit where their “love batter” goes when it shoots out. I’ve discussed this with my buddies quite a bit. Most of us have had some pretty bad ones. Most of us have been left with tooth marks. Almost all of us just let it ride. It’s not great, but you’re still getting a blow job, which is awesome! Now, if he doesn’t bust a nut, you’ve got a problem, and I say, “What the fuck is wrong with you, Sierra?” The main thing is finishing the job, so to speak. I know most of you ladies don’t want that shit in your face or hair, and I’m totally cool with that. On the titties is pretty nice, that is assuming that he’s actually looking where it goes. I personally don’t give a flying shit. As to your actual question, swallowing is a cherry on top of a lovely ice cream sundae. Either way, you’re still eating ice cream.
Hey, GMan. My boss is a total asshole, but I can’t quit my job. I really need it. If I get fired, my girlfriend will break up with me and I’ll end up under a bridge sucking dicks for Bud Light. HELP!!!
Alan, - 35 Allen, TX
Wow, Alan, you must be a huge fan! Thanks. I am completely familiar with your predicament. I recently had one of those “Your’e Fired, Fuck You I Quit” scenarios. Guess what? I’m not under a bridge, and I haven’t sucked any dicks yet. I had worked there for too long but I needed a final kick out the door. #FuckingBlessed. If you really have to stay, you should start fucking with your boss for fun. Use words they don’t understand. Bildungsroman is a good one, though it’s a little hard to work that into a conversation. Do gross shit to your boss’s stuff. Doodoo on the door handle of his Escalade. Boogers in his Gleneagles Country Club coffee mug. Stuff like that. See how many hours you can go without working (see previous post). My record is 46. But really, Alan, it’s probably time for you to go. Make a plan and tell your asshole boss to go fuck himself. It’s going to be scary, but you’ll be just fine.
Dear Sir, I have a new lady friend and I really want to please her…sexually. Can you tell me where the G-Spot is?
Elmer, 86 – Krum, TX
Holy shit, Elmer! I have the nastiest scene imaginable going on in my head right now. Dude, you’re 86! I’m going to quickly pretend that your new lady friend is between the ages of 18 and 48. Somehow thinking of you fingerbanging an 80 year old makes me think of my Gam Gam getting fingerbanged and that’s fucking sick. #PretendingHard. I knew this question would come up sooner or later, so I might as well get it out of the way.
First of all, the information I’m about to give you may not help you at all. Every goddamn vagina on the planet is different. Seriously. Even when you know where to start, you’re probably going to have to do some digging. And not to discourage you, but I’m pretty fucking sure that many chicks don’t even have the G-Spot. Or they have the Spot, but there are no Gs there, if you know what I mean. Anyway, as you perform the following moves, go slow and pay attention to her. (And clip your nasty old man fingernails.)
Step One: Get your new lady friend in a proper fingerbanging position. I suggest on her back and you sitting to her right, facing her. (Left if you’re left handed.) Play around down there for a while until she’s good and wet. This won’t take long because she’s 20. Use lube otherwise.
Step Two: After the flower has bloomed, jam your finger in there. JUST KIDDING. Don’t ever “jam” anything in there. Gently insert your middle finger into her sacred Yoni. Your palm should be up. Then bend your middle finger up until it hits the front wall of the pussy. It should feel like corrugated skin/flesh. That’s the spot! Sorta.
Step Three: Once you’re there, you should make a windshield wiper motion with your finger. The flesh there should swell, or somehow move, or something. Who the fuck knows? Anyway, if you’re doing it right and she can be G-Spot-Stimulated, orgasms should start flying out all over the place. Yay! And don’t get discouraged if nothing happens. If you start to freak out, read the Kama Sutra or go to tantra.com.
That's a bad pic of me in front of my Magnets Chair. It showcases my awesome design skillz!
Dear future employers, none of this is true. None of it.
1) This one is obvious, but for those who are new to the Lazy Bastard Game, I’ll say it anyway. ALWAYS have multiple tabs open on your computer and make sure a few are legit work websites. You need an escape plan. Imagine you’re going to town on PornHub, watching some sexy eastern European also going to town, solo, when you’re boss rolls in. (Solo cuz who wants to see all those giant peckers? Shit! I just realized that my fabulous gay readers, who I love, may want to see giant peckers. You guys probably want to watch the Solo Dude, so you don’t have to look at all those nasty titties and pussies. Jesus, why am I giving porn suggestions to ANYONE?) Anyway, your boss says, “Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!?!” You say, “Um…beatin off?” If that happens, you’re probably going to get fired. Or arrested. You didn’t have an escape plan. But, if you have multiple windows open, you can always switch over to something like anxietyandpoopingyourpants.com. (I currently work in the mental health industry.) While you’re closing the porn tab, you need to get your dick/flaps back in your pants. Now that I think about it, you should probably not beat off or jack your clit at work. Forget that last part.
While you’re doing whatever the fuck you’re doing that isn’t work, make sure you don’t wear both earbuds. You might just be looking at Facebook and jamming out to some Justin Bieber or other gay shit like that, but you still don’t want your boss to sneak up on you. If you hear them in time, you can always switch over to makingmyassholebossmoremoney.com. They like that kind of shit.
2) Poop a LOT. I do this anyway, but some of you may be more regular than I am. (I lost my gall bladder in a terrible drinking accident.) Whether you actually have to poop a lot or you’re just faking, you need to be able to say that you’re pooping without actually saying that you’re pooping. I suggest carrying moist wipes any time you’re walking around the office. Maybe you need to take a smoke break or some other shit you’re not really supposed to be doing. If you’re carrying moist wipes out in the open, nobody will say shit to you. They know you’re going to poop and they know your poops are messy. The 7-Eleven wipes are high quality and the package eye-catching. It’s red, orange, green, and purple and ugly as shit. If you really want your butt wipes to stand out, you can go for the old-school Wet Ones in the giant plastic container. No one can miss that. You can grunt softly as you walk by, if you want.
3) Match your leisure/extracurricular activities to your work activities. My boss always wants me to write pointless article about The Magnets. I can do that shit in my sleep. I’ve written hundreds of them, and they all say the same thing. I can write a new one in about five minutes. So I write the new one and leave the document open. Then I open another Word document and start working on my latest blog, or story, or whatever. Unless your boss sneaks up and gets really close, you don’t even have to switch to the other document. If your hobby is fantasy football or something like that, you’re on your own. I don’t know how to fake that. If you happen to be a writer, don’t put anything in all caps until the final draft. For example, FUCK SHIT CUNT PUSSY TITTIES. (Holy shit, my boss just came in as I was writing that “fuck shit cunt pussy titties” part. I did not take my own advice and it was already all caps. I don’t think she saw it, but I’m sure I looked kind of guilty. I was able to switch to the article I’m writing about Celebrity Suicide and The Magnets before she got too close.) Where was I? Oh yeah, don’t use all caps on dirty words in your first draft.
4) This one is similar to #3. Ask for extra assignments. These extra assignments should look like the shit you want to do while you’re not working. Asking for extra assignments always makes the boss happy. They think, “Wow! Trey is a real go-getter!” If you work for a small/new company, you can always offer to build them a website. If you don’t know how to make a website, go to one of those free web building sites like weebly. You’re kind of a retard and should be working at Kroger if you can’t figure out how to do it with those templates. If they need you to build them a website, they don’t know shit and will be easily tricked. Start their page with some pretty pictures. I use pics happy people and The Magnets Chair. In a couple minutes, it will look like you built an entire website, even though there is no content and it doesn’t do anything. After that, you can start working on your own webpage for whatever the hell it is you do for yourself. Writing, photography, crossfit, Solo Girl/Dude porn, foodie shit, etc.
You can also do this with Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Tell your uninformed boss about all this fabulous new social media. Tell them that their business HAS to have a Facebook page. (Same with Pinterest and Twitter.) Setting one of those up takes even less time than a shitty website, but the boss doesn’t know that or they would have made that a long time ago. Now that you have a Facebook page for your boss, you can fart around on your own Facebook page. The kitties are waiting for you.
You can also ask if you can write a press release. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a writer; that shit is all over the internet. And while you’re googling how to write a press release, you can look at all kinds of wild shit. Two Girls One Cup and Sean Bean memes are waiting.
Now get to work farting around! And remember, if you have other great ideas for farting around at work, post them in the comments section!
I wrote this in my head while pooping, while reading Men’s Health, while thinking about Feminism.
Hi, GMan! I love you and you are so hot! Anyways, my boyfriend wants to go to a strip club with his friends this weekend. Should I let him?
Amanda – McKinney, TX
AMANDA! What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with your boyfriend? You shouldn’t be “letting” him do anything. He’s a grown-ass man. If he wants to go look at some titties from time to time, you should embrace it and he shouldn’t be asking for permission anyway. Go look at dicks with the girls, or better yet, have a fucking Pinterest Party. And also, nothing happens at the titty bar. It’s like the art museum. You can’t touch the art. You can’t take it home for the night. It’s too expensive to buy, if in fact they are selling. Strippers and NOT whores; they’re just some sweet girls whose daddies won’t or can’t pay for college. The strip club is just an outlet for him and his buddies to bond. And if you think he’s not looking at the chicks at Whole Foods or wherever the same way he looks at strippers, you’re a fucking retard. Thanks for saying I’m hot.
Wassup Playa!?!? My black friend says the N-word all the time, and he even calls me his N-word. Can I say the N-word?
Kevin – Plano, TX
KEVIN! What the fuck is wrong with you? Of course you can’t say the N-word. Unless with you’re with your white dude buddies. If you are with your white buddies, make sure you use the “a” ending, and always look around for actual black dudes before you drop it. There is one other way you can say the N-word. You need your Honorary Black Dude Card. This takes three signatures from legit black dudes. You can’t get Neil deGrasse Tyson to sign your shit either. I personally wouldn’t and couldn’t exclude Neil deGrasse Tyson, but the black dudes who signed my Honorary Black Dude Card said dudes like him don’t count. Just so you know what kind of black dudes count, I’ll tell you who signed mine. 1. DeShun the Definishun, my barber from “Itz da Kut.” 2 Lamante “Fotie” Jefferson. 3. Piano Terry, the crackhead/pimp from South East Dallas. And you have to get your card notarized. So, you can say the N-word if you get the Honorary Black Dude Card, but don’t try to say that shit without any of your black dude buddies there. You might get shot before you can pull out your card.
Dear GMan, What are your thoughts on a man shaving his boy bush? I heard the bush is coming back, but I’m nervous.
Jonathan – Lewisville, TX
Jesus Christ, Jonathan. Who the fuck says “boy bush”? I would usually just ignore your question due to your verbiage, but I’m getting this question a lot, so I’ll answer it. I’ve also heard that the bush is back, but I’m not one to follow rules set by the people who write those magazines that give us these unrealistic body images and fuck with our heads. Ryan Gossling and Christiano Ronaldo can lick my taint! I was shaving “G” into my pubes when I was 14. You think anyone else was doing baller-ass pube art in 1989? No. Anyway, if you’re gonna go full bush, you need to GO FULL BUSH. You gotta own that shit. You gotta tell people about it like a new tattoo and ask if they want to see it. Post progress photos on Instagram. Keep a Bush Blog. Be confident in that bush and the ladies will be confident in the tree. Hear me? (But if you have a tiny cock, shave your little boy bush.)
I’m going to go ahead and answer a few tangential questions about “The Pube Conundrum” before everybody starts emailing my ass. In my younger days I was obsessed with the full shave on a girl. It was rare, clean, and sexy. You could go down and not worry about coming up with a hairball. It was magical. As I’ve gotten older, my tastes have expanded. I like all bush styles. All bush colors. All bush lengths. I banged a chick who had flat-ironed hers a couple weeks ago. It was long and lovely. As long it’s so fresh and so clean clean, I’m putting my machete between my teeth and going for it!
Let it grow in peace,
GMAN! Help! My girl cheated on me a couple of weeks ago and I don’t know what to do. Should I forgive her and forget it? Should I break up? By the way, she gang-banged a gaggle of Karaoke DJs.
Craig – Dallas, TX
Oh shit, man. I’m sorry to hear that, but I got good news for you. Let’s see if we can turn that frown upside down. While forgiving and forgetting is a nice idea, it’s also bullshit. You may be able to forgive her, but you won’t be able to forget. EVER. You’re going to picture a gaggle of douche bags pounding your girl with cheap microphones and trying to rap the latest Drake song. And really, you can’t remember something and fully forgive at the same time. Sad but true.
Here’s what you do, Craig: Tell her to go fuck herself immediately. Then go to the titty bar with your buddies and fuck the shit out of stripper. You’re probably wondering how you go about fucking the shit out of stripper. Easy. You need about 1,500 bucks, three days, and exactly two of your buddies ready to go to the titty bar three nights in a row. (I don’t have the time to go into the theoretical part of all this, but my book entitled “Rock You Like a Candy Cane” is coming out this Fall.) Wear a button-down shirt and nice pants. Drink liquor and not beer. Don’t wear cologne. You want her smell, not yours, and that shit is kinda gay anyway. Once you’re in the club, pick out a couple of girls you like. Don’t go for Super Stripper. Go for Girl Next Door. Tip them on stage and ask them to come over. Don’t waste time or money on random bitches who come by your table. If one of the girls you picked asks if you want a dance before she sits down on your lap, send her on her slutty way. Once you’ve got your girl in your lap, smile at her like you’re a little kid on Christmas. Practice this in the mirror or you may have the wrong kind of smile on your face. Do NOT touch her, even while she’s sitting on your lap. You want her to think you’re shy. Do NOT touch her during your lap dance. During your lapdance, look at her face the entire time. Her FACE. After couple dances, ask her to keep her dress on for the next one. She will think this is sweet. You want her and not her titties. Also, it might make her a little insecure, which helps. I know it’s an asshole move, but I happened upon it by accident. My initial intentions were pure.
Tell her you’re a writer and you’re working on your first book. Tell her it’s about booze and girls. Doesn’t matter that you’re not a writer. Do NOT tell her that you’re in a rock band unless you are an actual rock star. (If you were a rock star your girlfriend wouldn’t have ganged-banged a bunch of Karaoke DJs.) Buy her all the drinks she wants.
Shit, I’ve rambled on a little too long about banging strippers. Basically, you should be able to close from there. She’ll give you her number. You might think, Oh sweet! I’ll call her tomorrow and we’ll bang. Nope. You have close that night.
It doesn’t always go down like that, so you might need to go a few days in a row. After you bang your stripper, take a fully clothed picture with her and post that shit on Facebook. Unfriend your Ex eight hours later. She will have seen it and so will all her girlfriends. She will notice that you are no longer friends. It will hurt her. You will still be sad about your Ex, but you’ll also have some stripper pussy under your belt, which eases the fuck out of the pain.
Good Luck, Brother,
Well guys, that’s it for this week. If you have a question for the GMan, fill out the form on the “Contact” page and ask away. And remember, The GMan ALWAYS Hits the SPOT.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to die in it. Actually, I probably won’t die; I’ll be a paraplegic or some other kind of plegic. I won’t be able to get a job. I’ll end up sleeping under a bridge and sucking dicks for Keystone Light. (That’s how it always goes.) But how the hell am I going to get to the bridge if I’m a paraplegic? Not like my girlfriend is going to give me a ride to suck dicks under a bridge for booze. Shit, shit, shit. My mouth might not even work—for drinking or sucking. I’m screwed. You might be wondering why I think I might die or end up handicapable from the elevator in my office. My first clue was the old man who got on with me last week.
“Thank the Baby Jesus, you’re here,” he said.
“Why is that?” I asked.
“This goddamn elevator scares the hell out of me. I don’t think I can take another drop.”
I said, “Drop?” That word has never been so scary.
“Yeah, this damn contraption dropped me a while back. Not all the way down, but a good ten foot.”
“Jesus,” I said. “I’m glad you’re here, too. At least we can die together.”
“Yep,” he said.
We made it to the bottom with no drops, but my confidence in the elevator was not elevated at all. On the way back up—don’t ask me why I didn’t take the stairs—I noticed that the guy in charge of the regulating board of elevators and other vertical conveyance type shit is named Richard Kuntz. No shit. I don’t trust Mr. Kuntz at all. I’m sure he got bullied a lot as a kid and it probably hasn’t gotten too much better. I would probably be so pissed off at the world that I might sabotage elevators to get back at all the assholes who made fun of me. “Gay Trey” was bad enough. I was going to take a picture of his inspection placard for future evidence, or at least a funny post on Instagram, but I‘d left my phone on my desk. (I always think of great pics or funny tweets when I don’t have my phone on me.)
The reason I’m on that elevator so much is that I smoke and I don’t have much to do at work. As the day went on, I mostly forgot about Mr. Kuntz and his fucked up elevator. I was reminded the next morning. I was standing there, waiting for that slow piece of shit, when a dude with a giant belly and his almost-hot girlfriend/sister/wife walked up. He was wearing a NASCAR t-shirt, with what I imagine were “special sauce” stains on it. Apparently, he WANNA GO FAST. The chick looked at me and said to him, “I hope they fixed this thang since last time we was here.”
“I bet they hadn’t done nothin,” he said. I quickly realized that I was on a busted-ass elevator with a dude who weighed at least 400 lbs. I was pretty sure that I would be the first one eaten if we got stuck.
It’s been a week since I wrote that first part. I haven’t died yet or lost the use of any body parts. I didn’t drink and I didn’t suck any dicks. I have heard more horror stories though. One lady said she was stuck on there for 3.5 hours. If that happens to me, I’m going to piss on the floor and smoke cigarettes.