"Excuse Me While I Shit the Sky" and #AlienBooties

As many of you know, I’m on the hunt for fame and fortune using #SocialMedia to promote my nasty writings. I’ve done research and most of it is working. You also probably know that I don’t like #SocialMedia for my non-work entertainmentings, which makes it a pain in my balls. Usually these promotional activities are relegated to #PoopTime, #SmokeBreaks, and #WellYeahThatsAboutIt. Sorry about the hash tags. The GMan made me do it. Anyhoo..last night I was looking at the goddamn Twitter for funny shit when I ran across some fucked up pics. Being new to the Twitter, I was surprised at the range of subjects I saw. You might not believe this, but it’s not all just titties out there.

Here’s what I saw first:

Fucking cheerleaders! Yay! I love cheerleaders. Those goddamn skirts! I get all tingly inside when I see them, pretending I’m 17 again. After a slightly longer gaze, I noticed that these girls were definitely not 17 and had some really fucked up looks on their faces. What’s all that about, I asked myself as I clicked on the pic. Then I saw this:

Holy shit shitballs, I thought! That poor girl. Her life is ruined. Seriously. Instantly everyone in her high school is going to know that she shit the sky. Five minutes later…the world. That chick might not even be able to get a job after college, if she gets into college at all. There are only so many cripple kids you can help to boost your college application. And you know none of those bitches are going to catch her ass, so she’s going land hard in a puddle of her own mud. She’s probably going break her ass bone and get some taint lacerations. (Forgive the tense switching. Sometimes I’m thinking that the picture is in real time and sometimes I’m thinking that I’m seeing it months later.) Anyway, that girl is fucked. I was actually moved by this poor girl’s misfortune, but then I realized something: WHY THE FUCK IS THAT CHICK NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES?!?!

Usually a cheerleader with no panties on would be pretty exciting, but this was/is completely different. I dated a cheerleader back in the day and I’m pretty sure I know the panty/bloomer etiquette. She told me they wear panties AND bloomers, so as not to have any flap slips. Of course, there are some slutty ones who want to show their shit, but she said that didn’t happen very much. Get caught commando and you get kicked off the team. Moral of the story? If you don’t wear your panties and bloomers to the big game, you’re going to shit the sky and get taint lacerations. Your life is fucked temporarily, if not permanently, and you’re a slut.

After I wrote that last part, I realized that I may not remember the cheerleader panty protocol correctly. I may have been drunk at the time. For the sake of accuracy, I just texted the ex-gf, ex-cheerleader to see if I remembered the panty protocol correctly. My memory was “cleaner” than the truth.

Me: So…this is going to sound like a dirty and inappropriate question but it’s blog research. I promise. When you were a cheerleader did you wear panties AND bloomers? I won’t mention my source.


XGFXCL: Stop being dirty. You’re engaged!


Me: I’m serious. This is research and you’re the only ex-cheerleader I know. AND I’m going to show my Fabulous Fiance these texts so no one gets the wrong idea.

XGFXCL: Ok ok. Just bloomers. You can site me.

Me: Saw a gross pic on twitter and had to write about it.

XGFXCL: Sure you did.

Me: Seriously.

XGFXCL: Yeah yeah

Me: Do most cheerleaders do it that way?

XGFXCL: I don’t know about other girls or what they did.

Me: Shit. (This lack of info about other girls kinda ruined the Cheerleader Locker Room Panty Fight Fantasy I had as a boy.)

XGFXCL: Sorry

Me: Thanks! You’re the best!

XGFXCL: You say that to all your ex-girlfriends

(Thanks KE!)

Panties or no, the bloomers should be able to catch flying poop. Remember that, ladies!



Then I saw this pic. I was on my phone, so the pic was tiny. I’m going to make it small here so you get the idea.

I don’t remember the caption—I have to start writing these things down—but it was intriguing. #AlienAss or something like that. I had to click on it. I’m kind of into aliens and I WANT to believe. I wish I had more to say here so that the full-sized pic would be farther down. Kinda ruins the joke if you see them at the same time. I hate not being in control my jokes or stories or songs or whatever. That’s when the shit gets not funny or people get really pissed off at you and think you’re a rapist. It’s fucking awful, but that’s how it goes. You have to create knowing that you’re not going to be there to explain. Maybe I should cuddle these babies a little longer. Ok, that’s about as much space-taking bullshit I have. Here’s what I saw:

My first thought was, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THAT? I showed it to my Fabulous Fiancé and she said, “What the actualy fuck IS that?” On even closer inspection, I realized that it was a black chick bent over taking a #SexySelfie in the mirror. I don’t know if it was “sexy” or not; I’m not one to judge. After the initial shock wore off, I wondered how I would feel if I came home and found my Fabulous Fiance in that position. I mean, she’s not a black chick or anything, but she does have a proper ass. Shit! I think I wrote myself into a corner. AGAIN. I can say this: I would not be as disturbed as I was by the pic on Twitter. I would probably laugh and then get after her stuff right there in front of the decorative coffee siphon.

And…done.

If you have any crazy pics, send em this way!   

Follow me on twitter @edgefiction101