I woke up this morning with “Joy and Pain” by Rob Base in my head. Mostly the “pump pump pump it up…” part. I haven’t heard that song in years, and even then, it was probably in a bad wedding scene in a bad wedding movie. And why couldn’t it have been “It Takes Two” which is a much better jam, in my opinion. Luckily, I love Rob Base. I’m not usually so fortunate. A couple months ago, I woke up with that “Someone’s in the kitchen with Dina” song, which is a million times worse than Rob Base. Maybe even worse than Hootie or some shit like that. I mean, who really is in the kitchen with Dina and what the fuck are they doing in there? It seems to me that the singer is accusing her of some sort of sluttiness, though I haven’t taken the time to look up the lyrics. I picture an old-timey prairie house with some sort of family gathering going on and a virgin/whore Dina in the kitchen, sucking off a hobo or maybe a migrant farm worker. But what if it’s really her Dirty Uncle Bob in the kitchen with Dina and he’s giving her the old stinky pinky? Jesus! I just hope to god that Dina and her vagina are of age. Anyway, I hadn’t heard that song in years either, I’m sure.
Like everyone else, I’ve had these “earworms” (That’s what my fabulous girlfriend Elle-Dawg calls them.) forever. You know, you hear a song on the radio and next thing you know, you’re singing “MMM Bop!” Unlike those normal earworms, I’ve been having these ones that come from nowhere. Last week it was, “I’m Gonna Wash that Man Right Out of My Hair” or whatever the hell that one’s called. What the fuck has happened to my brain? Why can’t it be something cool like “Ramble On” or at least “Rock You Like a Hurricane?” Fuck Dina AND that shampooing bitch.
It gets better. I always do this thing where I put really dirty lyrics in to songs I know. I did it to Drew all the time when we were in a band together. Not an earworm kind of thing, but just a conscious nastification of songs I knew. Recently though, the two things have merged: Songs out of nowhere with new nasty lyrics provided be me. A couple weeks ago, I woke up with “Who Let the Dogs Out” in my head, except I was singing, “Who Wants to Butt Pump?” Who? Who? Who? Not “Who Wants to Butt Fuck?” Butt Pump. Who says that? I do and that’s fucking nuts. I’m not going to tell you what I did to “Benny and the Jets” yesterday. It’s just too goddamn offensive. (Send me a private message if you really want to know.)
What’s the point of all this, you may be asking yourself. I would like to tell you that I’m looking for answers, but that would be bullshit. Neuroscience is not that far along. Really, I just thought it was kinda funny and I haven’t updated my blog in a while.