 I sorta live-blogged this, so it's gonna be sloppy. I'm leaving it that way because I like the realism and I'm lazy. I've been working on this blog for at least a year now. And by "working on" I mean engaging with women (robots) who slide into my DMs on Twitter or IG. I take screenshots and wait for shit to get wild. What usually happens is I get bored. I've deleted a shitload of screenshots over the last year. Today though, I feel like keeping at it. Maybe it's because this has been a long-ass week for no reason and I'm bored as fuck at work. This seems like a great idea every time I attempt it. But these fucking porno lady robots are so fucking stupid. The two I'm chatting with today are super lame. Neither has hit me up to look at their naked pics or give them money. Yet. One has a pic of some old lady who must be her grandma. I'm pretty sure that English is not their native language, which is fine, of course, but I’m not going to say anything else because I would feel bad about making fun of some marginalized eastern European robot's shitty grasp of the English language.  Holy shit! The one with the grandma pics asked me where I’m from. I told her Dallas and she said she used to live in Dallas and mentioned a shitty suburb south of the city. Fucking weird. Would a robot know about Duncanville? In the past, I've asked if the person contacting me was a robot. This seems to offend the shit out of the porno lady robots. "NO I not be a robot!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'm not sure why that's an offensive question. I mean, we all know those goddamn eastern European/Russian porno lady robots are all over the internet.  I'm taking a different tack this time. (I've never used the work "tack" like that in my entire life.) I'm just telling them the craziest shit I can think of. Ok, that's not true. I'm telling them the first dumb shit that comes to mind. For example, I just told one of these chicks that I'm recently divorced because my wife fucked a rodeo clown. By the way, I'm chatting with these robot chicks right now—in case you couldn’t tell. And I'm trying not to get confused. The other one wants me to do some pyramid scheme bitcoin shit. I'm a little disappointed with that one, though I do have the opportunity to make 8% on all my referrals. Woot! She even sent me copies of her latest paystubs.  So far, no titties. Fuck. The porno lady bot that isn't in fact a porno lady bot, despite the pic of her big-ass titties in her avi, just asked me if I'm still here. I apologized and told her I had to call my financial advisor about this awesome, money-making scheme of hers. She asked what he said. "Well, MeganSmith808, he told me that I shouldn't make any financial moves this quarter. Sorry about that." She said she understood. Then she added, "That's his mindset though[.]" I was expecting her to follow up and try to get me to go against my fictional financial advisor's wishes, but unfortunately, she did not.  I'm still working on the first porno lady robot. This has taken a bit of an unexpected turn: I'm starting to believe she's an actual person, even though I know that there's no way she's a real person. The problem is that I'm starting to feel too guilty to say crazy shit. Even though I know she's a fucking Russian porno lady bot. I will give her programmers this though: her AI is patient as fuck. It's like they know that if they ask me to click a link too early that I'll bounce. Another thing: her pics look real as fuck. She doesn't look like a porno lady at all. She's cute enough, I guess, but some of her pics are—well, she doesn't look so great in some of them. We'll call her MarySmiff1998 (Mary for short) so I don't have to keep typing eastern European porno lady robot #2 over and over again. Back to my fictional wife fucking a rodeo clown: After I told her about my wife fucking the clown, she said, "Sorry about that dear I understand[.]" And then, "That doesn't sound good."  Well, fuck no, it's not good if your wife fucks a rodeo clown! I told her it was terrible. She said, "It happens to me too," which was pretty fucking confusing. Or it would be confusing if this were a real girl. Unless she is actually a very patient lady whose first language is not English, which is fine, of course. I'm not a xenophobe or anything like that. Anyway, after some other garbled bullshit, she asked me how I found out. I told her that I caught them in the act. I was actually picturing this, and that was a little scary. Rodeo clowns are tough as fuck and I'm pretty much a big-ass pussy. I imagined this fucking guy (his name is Clint) beating me up after he fucked the shit out of my wife. And that would be extremely terrible. I'm not sure I could recover from that. And I bet Clint can fuck like a mad man too. My bitch wife probably had like 50 fucking orgasms, and she probably squirted too. Jesus Christ, I was really starting to hope Mary was real and that she could save me from being a lonely old bastard whose wife got railed by a rodeo clown and had 50 orgasms and squirted. Anyway, after she said "it happens to me too," I almost shit myself laughing. That's when my cube mate asked me what I was laughing at. She was mildly amused when I told her. Mildly. "So have you tried dating online before?" Mary asked. Here we go, I thought. I told her I hadn't done any online dating. She said it really works and we should get to know each other better. Hell yeah, I thought. Then she asked me how old I am. Goddammit, this little whore was about break it off because I am an old fucker who was cuckolded by a goddamn clown.  Turns out, though, that she doesn't think 43 is very old at all, even though she's only 23. (She'll be 24 in a couple of weeks.) Was I getting horny? I have no idea what's happening. She said some other bullshit, and then she said, "Guess I like you[.]" "I think I like you too! This is so weird!" Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit… "Are you truly ready to move on and settle down with the right lady in your life?" Mary asked. "Whoa, sugar! I just found my wife fucking some other dude a couple months ago. I'm nowhere near settling down." (I'm so fucking mad at my real wife right now, I could fucking strangle her. How fucking dare she!?) "You still have bad thought?" Mary asked. I decided I needed to calm down a little so I didn't scare her off. "I just want to have fun for a little while." What I was really thinking was, "I want to get high as shit and fuck the shit out of a hot-ish 23 year-old girl from Transylvania or wherever the fuck you're from." But of course, I couldn't say that because I'm a gentlemen and gentlemen don't talk to ladies that way.  Holy shit, you guys! I'm starting to think that Mary might actually be hoping to marry me and get her green card so she can escape all of the terrible shit going on in Transylvania. This conversation is still going on, by the way. She seriously seems to want to settle down. What the fuck kind of robot porno lady AI algorithm wants to settle down? And now she wants to see a picture. I told her that my profile is full of them—this is Instagram, for Christ's sake—but she said she wanted a "live" one, which I took to mean a pic of me right now today. Fuck that. I found an older selfie of me in the elevator that I forgot I took. (Selfies are fucking terrible for the most part, especially mine.) But I didn’t send it immediately. I told her to go first, and she sent a video of her in a car. There was some shitty music going and she was sort of singing along. It wasn’t very attractive, but I said “wow” and that she was cute. I feel guilty about lying. Then I sent her my pic. She sent me a heart emoji and also said “wow.”  Bullshit, bullshit.
I drove home and didn’t check IG again until this morning. She sent one message that said, “Are you there?” Then this morning, she said hi and good morning. I finally responded when I got to work and told her I just got up. Then she asked me if I’m mad at her. FUCK. THAT. But I want to let her down gently because I’m sure her life in Transylvania (and Duncanville) and now California hasn’t been great so far. I just asked her why she decided to contact me. Waiting... Waiting… Waiting...
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