Here are some sample bios I've written:
Writing Bios is Dumb
Writing a bio for yourself is fucking ridiculous. You kinda need to suck your own dick as a writer, or artist, or whatever, but you don’t want to come off like you’re sucking your own dick. I suck my own dick all the time—figuratively, of course. I tell myself that I’m the funniest bastard of all time. I tell myself that my stories will make you simultaneously laugh and cry (and get your pussy wet, whether you have one or not). I’m a straight David Sedaris and a prettier Charles Bukowski. Hemingway and Fitzgerald rolled into one. All that kind of shit. So, yeah, it’s fucking stupid.
I’ve published in some nice e-zines and a couple print publications. I got paid a hundred bucks once for reading a story at the Dallas Museum of Art. I got five lap dances with the hundred. Even better than the lap dances was saying “fuck” five hundred times at a fancy place in front of my family. I also made it through grad school while drinking at least a 12-pack of beer every night. At least. I don’t drink anymore because my pancreas exploded a few years back. That fucking sucked. I have a super-hot girlfriend, who is NOT a total nutball. Miracle. I make a living curing depression with magnets. No shit.
Anyway, please publish my story. The worst thing that can happen is some really funny hate mail.
Googling How to Write a Bio
I googled how to write one of these fucking things, and here’s what I found. My version follows the example:
Sample:
The Tag Line: Jane Smith is a practicing physician in Rumford, Maine.
A Tag Line is much like a headline but introduces you, what you do, and where you live all in one sentence.
The Extensive Bio: Jane Smith, a practicing physician, has been a Civil War buff for decades. She has published articles in Civil War Journal, Civil War News, and Civil War Weekly and is a member of the Civil War Society. She lives in Rumford, Maine, with her husband, three kids and two dogs. This is her first novel.
My Version:
The Tag Line: Manford Lee REDACTED, III is a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Treatment Coordinator and Consultant in Dallas, Texas. (I used my official name to sound fancier.)
The Extensive Bio: M. L. REDACTED, III (M.L. sounds more writerly), a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Treatment Coordinator and Consultant, has been a drunk, horny bastard for decades. He has published stories in Hornball Quarterly, Drunk Asshole Literary Review, and Strippertastic and is an ex-member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He lives in Dallas, Texas, with his girlfriend and two cats and loves Martha Stewart's recipe for “cage free” Corn Dogs. This is his first novel.
Writing a bio for yourself is fucking ridiculous. You kinda need to suck your own dick as a writer, or artist, or whatever, but you don’t want to come off like you’re sucking your own dick. I suck my own dick all the time—figuratively, of course. I tell myself that I’m the funniest bastard of all time. I tell myself that my stories will make you simultaneously laugh and cry (and get your pussy wet, whether you have one or not). I’m a straight David Sedaris and a prettier Charles Bukowski. Hemingway and Fitzgerald rolled into one. All that kind of shit. So, yeah, it’s fucking stupid.
I’ve published in some nice e-zines and a couple print publications. I got paid a hundred bucks once for reading a story at the Dallas Museum of Art. I got five lap dances with the hundred. Even better than the lap dances was saying “fuck” five hundred times at a fancy place in front of my family. I also made it through grad school while drinking at least a 12-pack of beer every night. At least. I don’t drink anymore because my pancreas exploded a few years back. That fucking sucked. I have a super-hot girlfriend, who is NOT a total nutball. Miracle. I make a living curing depression with magnets. No shit.
Anyway, please publish my story. The worst thing that can happen is some really funny hate mail.
Googling How to Write a Bio
I googled how to write one of these fucking things, and here’s what I found. My version follows the example:
Sample:
The Tag Line: Jane Smith is a practicing physician in Rumford, Maine.
A Tag Line is much like a headline but introduces you, what you do, and where you live all in one sentence.
The Extensive Bio: Jane Smith, a practicing physician, has been a Civil War buff for decades. She has published articles in Civil War Journal, Civil War News, and Civil War Weekly and is a member of the Civil War Society. She lives in Rumford, Maine, with her husband, three kids and two dogs. This is her first novel.
My Version:
The Tag Line: Manford Lee REDACTED, III is a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Treatment Coordinator and Consultant in Dallas, Texas. (I used my official name to sound fancier.)
The Extensive Bio: M. L. REDACTED, III (M.L. sounds more writerly), a Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation Treatment Coordinator and Consultant, has been a drunk, horny bastard for decades. He has published stories in Hornball Quarterly, Drunk Asshole Literary Review, and Strippertastic and is an ex-member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He lives in Dallas, Texas, with his girlfriend and two cats and loves Martha Stewart's recipe for “cage free” Corn Dogs. This is his first novel.
