First of all, I'm aware that there is a bit of a misplaced modifier in that title—it just sounds better than "5 Things They Didn't Teach You in School About Titty-Fuckin." So to make sure I'm clear, I want you to know that you shouldn't be titty-fuckin in school. Of course, there are exceptions, but in general, do not fuck anyone's titties at school.
For the last couple months, I've been pretty blocked creatively. In an effort to combat my failing imagination, I used a blog title generator on the internet, and this is what came out. There were some other good ones, but I feel like titty-fuckin just doesn't get the attention it needs these days.
I did some research and found out that titty-fuckin hit its peak of popularity in 1988 with a whopping 94 percent of the population engaged in some type of titty-fuckin activity each month. Unfortunately, it has been on a slow decline ever since. In 2016—the most recent data provided by to the Bureau of Labor Statistics—only 6 percent of Americans titty-fucked each month.
To tell you the truth, I don't think I've really thought about fuckin titties since the late 90s, but that shit needs to come back, and I've taken it upon myself to bring titty-fuckin back to the mainstream.
Here are my top five tips about titty-fuckin—some of them may surprise you!
The More You Know
1. Some ladies (or dudes) don't actually like having their titties fucked. Shocking, I know. I didn't really want to start out with this one, but it needs to be said. I don't want you to read two or three and then go out and try to fuck some titties without knowing that some chicks don't always want their titties fucked. But don't lose heart! If you're an informed and generous titty-fucker, you might just change her mind.
Feel her out about her titties. Some girls don't even like their titties, let alone want to have them fucked. If you find a girl who hates her titties, you should probably just give up. She is going to be a pain in the ass about pretty much everything from titty-fuckin to laundry detergent. Go out and find you a girl who loves her titties.
2. Once you've found a girl (or dude) who likes her titties and is not completely against having them fucked, it's time to get it on! Right? Wrong! Don't just pull em out and start grinding your dick between them. You've got to romance the titties first. In this sense, it's just like the pussy: it (they) needs to be warmed up first. Maybe get you some massage oils. Be gentle until she tells you to go harder. Don't go all "tune in Tokyo" on that shit. They don't like that. Once the titties are good and warmed up, then and only then, start titty-fuckin!
3. While you're titty-fuckin your titty-lovin lady, don't forget to give her the ol' behind-the-back reach-around. What's the ol' behind-the-back reach-around, you ask? It's just like it sounds: reach around behind you and jack that clit. (The fact that you had to ask concerns me.)
4. All titties are great for titty-fuckin! Some people will tell you that you don't want to titty-fuck chicks with small titties. Some dudes don't want to titty-fuck chicks with fake titties. Ridiculous! Why the fuck would you not want to rub your dick on titties? Seriously. What the actual fuck is wrong with you people?
5. For the girls who love their titties, but don't want to get their titties fucked, I suggest you offer to let her titty-fuck you! That's right! Let her titty-fuck you! In this way, titty-fuckin is a lot like anal.
Imagine that you really want to get your girl in the pooter, but she's not down. Sad, right? Well, if you want the pooter bad enough, offer to let her get after your butthole first! She might not think that's hot, but she will respect your potential butthole sacrifice. Tell her she can use her finger or a kitchen appliance. You might even offer to buy her a strap-on. (Oof, I just grossed myself out a little bit.) Good news is that she probably doesn't want in your butthole. She'll love that you offered and will then give up the booty! (I wouldn't bet on this strategy, so be ready to have something stuck up your asshole.)
Anyway, titty-fuckin is just like anal. Tell her you want her to fuck your titties. Lay back and let her rub her pussy all over your chest. She'll love that shit. It'll look like a drunk snail ran around up there if she does it right. Side note: if you shave your chest, make sure you get it clean. They don't like rubbing their pussies on chest stubble…or so I've heard.
Bonus tip: Make it fun! Laugh when you bring it up. "Hahaha! Wanna get titty-fucked? Hahaha! LOL. Just kiddin…unless you wanna do it." Or while you're wrestling say something like, "I'm fixin to titty-fuck you! RARR!" If she says something like, "Do it, motherfucker! Fuck these nasty titties," you're in.
Now that you know a little more about titty-fuckin, get to it. And after you and your lady (or dude) friend go at it, send me a note. I can't wait to hear about it.
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