This is a fat/hilarious pic of me when I was fat as fuck. There’s lotion all over my buddy’s back. There’s lotion all over my front. Pretty gay, but it gives you an idea of my former fatassedness. I covered my friend’s face because he would not want to be seen losing a game of Guard the Glory.
I gained a lot of weight when I got sober. (I was on a lot of Xanax the night of the Gay Lotion Hump, which felt relatively sober compared to large vats of Jack Daniels and Bud Light.) My normal weight has always been between 165 and 175. When I got sober, I gained about 50 lbs within a couple of months. Like two months. I was pretty sure that was because I hadn’t eaten for a year or two. A slice of pizza here. A boiled egg there. Sometimes people had to bribe me to eat. “If you eat this burger, I’ll buy you some beer.” That’s fucking sad, now that I’ve written it down. I got sober-ish finally and started eating like a motherfucker. I consumed a lot of sugar, which is pretty common for people who just quit drinking. But 50 lbs?
There was this girl at group therapy for drunks and junkies who I was completely (aesthetically) in love with. She was a reason to live and stay sober. The only reason I had at the time. I got a gym membership and started working out like crazy. I didn’t lose any weight. I only got bigger and stronger. It was terrible. Anyway, that’s how I got fat and that’s how I didn’t get thin.
None of my shit fit anymore. I cut slits in the waist bands of my jeans. I wore a lot of sweat shirts. Finally, I bought some new shit—well, my mom bought me new shit. My motherfucking fat clothes. It was terrible.
I had this job interview during my fat period where I had to wear my suit. I got out of my car and tried to button my jacket. Tried. I got drunk as fuck the next day. I was convinced that a fat sober dude who lived with his mom would NEVER EVER get the pussy again. A month or two later, I ended up in coma. I lost all the weight plus twenty lbs. Jesus, this is taking me a long time to get to the point. I’ll have to cut this down later. Or not.
It’s been about five years since I got out of the hospital and I’m normal sized again. Here’s me normal size.
(I paid for this picture)
I noticed (again) that my jeans are sagging like a motherfucker this morning. The thing is, I didn’t buy these when I was fat. I was just used to buying fat jeans and bought the same size. I still have shit left over from those days that I don’t want to throw away. Maybe most people do this, thinking, I can wear this in case I turn into a fat fucker again. I don’t know if that’s what I’m thinking or not. I tell myself that I don’t want to buy new shit to save money and that my balls fit well into these baggy jeans. I have khakis that are way too big. I have Polos that are way too big. I’ve gotten rid of most of my fatass t-shirts, but t-shirts are cheap. And what if I end up fat again? I’ve moved passed the habit of buying fat dude pants, but I keep most of the fat stuff I already have until it is unwearable. Then I buy stuff that fits.
I still gorge myself on sweets to fill whatever hole we’re all trying to fill, even though I’m diabetic. And since I’m not running—due to laziness, work, whatever—I have a great fear of my fatness coming back.
It seems kind of defeatist to keep your fat clothes in case you get fat again, though it may just be realistic, like buying a carton of smokes instead of single pack. Does anyone else do this? What are your reasons? I use the excuse of my nutsac and my low budget. What excuses do you use? Do you keep them? Throw them away?
What the actual fuck is wrong with me today?!?!
9/26/2014 05:51:48 am
I keep some, but generally donate them. Used to give stuff to goodwill, but now pick charities like Ronald McDonald House, Paws in the City, or Operation Kindness. Same with my "I'll probably never be that skinny again" stuff. :).
9/29/2014 12:10:42 am
That's a great idea. Plus, you make a great point about the skinny clothes :).
9/27/2014 12:03:06 am
I have hoarded the fat clothes too. (Full disclosure, I know it is different for me my "fat" is still thin. I've ranged from a size 0 to a size 4/6, so I have clothes that are too small and too big.). Peggy brought up a good point about "skinny clothes" and "I'll probably never be that skinny again"--I am much more likely to get rid of "skinny" clothes than "fat" clothes. I think the skinny clothes are too idealistic--I'm not meant to be that skinny, and the fat clothes make me feel "good" that I don't have to wear them again (yet). I say, "well maybe I'll need the fat clothes if I paint the house --um don't have a house--or take a hike in the snow and have to wear long johns under them. I've gotten rid of most these days with all my moves.
9/29/2014 12:12:08 am
Yeah, I have all kinds of clothes I'm sentimental about. Hard to throw those away, no matter what size.
9/27/2014 03:27:00 pm
What the actual fuck? This post should be re-titled, "I'm gonna humble brag like a motherfucker." Your "fat" pics look better than my clothed skinny pics you heartless twat. What do I do with my fat clothes? I fucking wear them and I wash them in cold water only. Why? Because despite having washed them several hundred times before, I'm scared shitless they'll shrink even a fraction of an inch overwhelming so many of the seams that are literally hanging together by a thread. Then I'd have to replace them with fatter clothes using all the money that doesn't fucking exist in my wallet. Speaking of - my wallet is the only thing on me that isnt fat. One of the few shirts I own that still kinda fits says, "Same shirt, different day"... It long ago crossed the line from being a joke to being literal.
9/29/2014 12:14:12 am
Dude! You are so full of shit. I've seen you with your shirt off, Mr. CrossFitP50Xerciser...and your fancy clothes. Keep wacking and thanks for reading!
9/27/2014 07:27:42 pm
Trigger G, I think your strong as hell. We are all wack as fuck. Maybe people gust don't get it
9/29/2014 12:15:24 am
Cal, thanks. Seriously. And you are right about everyone being wack as hell. People are retarded! Hit me up if you ever come back to C-Town!
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