Normally I'm not attracted to black women, but there is a food truck near my work that serves the best Monte Cristo sandwiches you can imagine. The girl who takes my order is black, has a big smile, and giant boobs. Every time I go, she smiles and tells me she wants me to bang her inside the truck. Once she said I could go back door (inside her booty) up against the prep station with all the meat and vegetables. I'm thinking about it, GMan, but she's not my type. Also, I've never gone back door. Am I racist or just horny? Should I bang the food truck girl?
Bill, 48 – Round Rock, TX
Jesus Christ, Bill! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? FUCK YES, you should bang the colored food truck girl. Yes, you are probably racist, but so is everyone else. Yes, you’re horny. (And Bill, we all know that “back door” means inside the booty.) First of all, you never know what you’re missing til you try it out. Once you go black, you never go back! I don’t know if that’s true or not, but who cares? It’s all pink in the middle!
Here’s what you do: Buy some rubbers; you don’t want to go raw dawg in the butthole. Go to the food truck right before close and order up the Monte Cristo. Then, bust in the back door (of the food truck). Stick that sandwich between her butt cheeks and eat it all the way to the hole. I like to call this move the Double Decker Delicious Booty Meat Sandwich. If this girl’s buttcheeks can’t hold a Monte Cristo, then you need to find a different black chick. Once you’ve fueled up, give it to her good. While you’re slaying that butthole, reach around and tickle her clit. Don’t be stingy while you’re giving a chick anal. (You can quote the GMan on that.) After she has a few orgasms, turn her around and put her up on the prep table so you can get her in the front cunt. Sweep all the vegetables and shit off on to the floor. You need to do this for two reasons. 1. It looks cool, like in the movies. 2. You don’t want to cross-contaminate. (Ass to Pussy doesn’t count as cross-contamination, as long as you turn the rubber inside-out.)
Good luck, playa!
GMan, or whatever your name is, I’ve been reading your blogs and stories for years. You’re a fucking misogynist asshole. You really think it’s okay to masturbate looking at private photos of people? You think it’s okay to want to have intercourse with underage cheerleaders? I bet you beat women and kick dogs. You probably have a small penis too. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Myrtle, 19 – Denton, TX
Sweet, Myrtle, there’s only one thing wrong with me: You just took your first Feminist Lit class. You are so precious!
Be cool. Stay in School.
GMan!!! Squeeeee! I wanna do it with you so bad. I “jack my clit” every time I read your work. You are a true artist. Anyway, there is the new fad of making mac and cheese by boiling the pasta in milk and then adding butter and cheese without draining. This seems blasphemous. Are you for or against?
Blair, 35 – Dallas, TX
Wow, Blair! Thank you so much. My Fabulous Fiancé also heard about this new method and she also thinks it’s blasphemous. Obviously, there is nothing the fuck wrong with you because you have great taste in men. But I have to disagree on the Mac and Cheese issue. This shit sounds fucking delicious. All that creaminess sounds like blasphemy to you? You crazy, girl! I want to eat that shit RIGHT NOW. And not only does it sound super awesome, it’s your moral obligation to make it this way. There are thirsty kids in Africa who need that macaroni water. (Picture a cute little African kid.) You’re just going to pour it down the drain anyway. Think about how good it would feel to bottle up the water you would use on the mac and send that shit to Somalia. Not only would this kid get some clean water to drink, but there’s a good chance that your generosity could prevent a future pirate from coming into existence. That little guy might just end up going to Harvard and saving his homeland from AIDS and terrorists and Ebola and all the other horrible shit that goes on in Africa. Bono will proud, and your man will give you a proper reach-around!
Much Love, Blair XO