That's a bad pic of me in front of my Magnets Chair. It showcases my awesome design skillz!
Dear future employers, none of this is true. None of it.
1) This one is obvious, but for those who are new to the Lazy Bastard Game, I’ll say it anyway. ALWAYS have multiple tabs open on your computer and make sure a few are legit work websites. You need an escape plan. Imagine you’re going to town on PornHub, watching some sexy eastern European also going to town, solo, when you’re boss rolls in. (Solo cuz who wants to see all those giant peckers? Shit! I just realized that my fabulous gay readers, who I love, may want to see giant peckers. You guys probably want to watch the Solo Dude, so you don’t have to look at all those nasty titties and pussies. Jesus, why am I giving porn suggestions to ANYONE?) Anyway, your boss says, “Hey, what the fuck are you doing?!?!” You say, “Um…beatin off?” If that happens, you’re probably going to get fired. Or arrested. You didn’t have an escape plan. But, if you have multiple windows open, you can always switch over to something like anxietyandpoopingyourpants.com. (I currently work in the mental health industry.) While you’re closing the porn tab, you need to get your dick/flaps back in your pants. Now that I think about it, you should probably not beat off or jack your clit at work. Forget that last part.
While you’re doing whatever the fuck you’re doing that isn’t work, make sure you don’t wear both earbuds. You might just be looking at Facebook and jamming out to some Justin Bieber or other gay shit like that, but you still don’t want your boss to sneak up on you. If you hear them in time, you can always switch over to makingmyassholebossmoremoney.com. They like that kind of shit.
2) Poop a LOT. I do this anyway, but some of you may be more regular than I am. (I lost my gall bladder in a terrible drinking accident.) Whether you actually have to poop a lot or you’re just faking, you need to be able to say that you’re pooping without actually saying that you’re pooping. I suggest carrying moist wipes any time you’re walking around the office. Maybe you need to take a smoke break or some other shit you’re not really supposed to be doing. If you’re carrying moist wipes out in the open, nobody will say shit to you. They know you’re going to poop and they know your poops are messy. The 7-Eleven wipes are high quality and the package eye-catching. It’s red, orange, green, and purple and ugly as shit. If you really want your butt wipes to stand out, you can go for the old-school Wet Ones in the giant plastic container. No one can miss that. You can grunt softly as you walk by, if you want.
3) Match your leisure/extracurricular activities to your work activities. My boss always wants me to write pointless article about The Magnets. I can do that shit in my sleep. I’ve written hundreds of them, and they all say the same thing. I can write a new one in about five minutes. So I write the new one and leave the document open. Then I open another Word document and start working on my latest blog, or story, or whatever. Unless your boss sneaks up and gets really close, you don’t even have to switch to the other document. If your hobby is fantasy football or something like that, you’re on your own. I don’t know how to fake that. If you happen to be a writer, don’t put anything in all caps until the final draft. For example, FUCK SHIT CUNT PUSSY TITTIES. (Holy shit, my boss just came in as I was writing that “fuck shit cunt pussy titties” part. I did not take my own advice and it was already all caps. I don’t think she saw it, but I’m sure I looked kind of guilty. I was able to switch to the article I’m writing about Celebrity Suicide and The Magnets before she got too close.) Where was I? Oh yeah, don’t use all caps on dirty words in your first draft.
4) This one is similar to #3. Ask for extra assignments. These extra assignments should look like the shit you want to do while you’re not working. Asking for extra assignments always makes the boss happy. They think, “Wow! Trey is a real go-getter!” If you work for a small/new company, you can always offer to build them a website. If you don’t know how to make a website, go to one of those free web building sites like weebly. You’re kind of a retard and should be working at Kroger if you can’t figure out how to do it with those templates. If they need you to build them a website, they don’t know shit and will be easily tricked. Start their page with some pretty pictures. I use pics happy people and The Magnets Chair. In a couple minutes, it will look like you built an entire website, even though there is no content and it doesn’t do anything. After that, you can start working on your own webpage for whatever the hell it is you do for yourself. Writing, photography, crossfit, Solo Girl/Dude porn, foodie shit, etc.
You can also do this with Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Tell your uninformed boss about all this fabulous new social media. Tell them that their business HAS to have a Facebook page. (Same with Pinterest and Twitter.) Setting one of those up takes even less time than a shitty website, but the boss doesn’t know that or they would have made that a long time ago. Now that you have a Facebook page for your boss, you can fart around on your own Facebook page. The kitties are waiting for you.
You can also ask if you can write a press release. It doesn’t matter if you’re not a writer; that shit is all over the internet. And while you’re googling how to write a press release, you can look at all kinds of wild shit. Two Girls One Cup and Sean Bean memes are waiting.
Now get to work farting around! And remember, if you have other great ideas for farting around at work, post them in the comments section!