True story. Well, I’m sure the vaginas themselves didn’t hack my account, but someone did, and it wasn’t cool. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not pervy enough to post naked anything on any social media, unless my cats count as naked, and I don’t think they do. Yesterday, I was super bored and decided to check my history of tweets to see how many were funny and how many were just dumb shit like #WorkSucksHairyBalls. Out of nowhere, a bunch of Asian vaginas popped out at me. “How the fuck did those get there?” I thought. On closer inspection, I realized that “I” had retweeted the Asian vaginas in question.
You may be wondering why I keep pointing out that these vaginas were Asian. First of all, they were Asian. You could see the chicks they belonged to and these chicks were definitely Asian. (By the way, Asian vaginas are PERPINDICULAR to the ground if the owner of the Asian vagina is in an upright position.) Secondly, and I am hesitant to admit this, I am sexually racist. There are no fucked up weird moral ideas behind my sexual racism. I don’t believe in keeping any pure race or anything like that. I say, stick your dick in whatever color hole you want, as long as the hole belongs to a consenting adult. The point is that if I were going to retweet vaginas, they would most likely be vaginas of European descent. So yeah, these were Asian vaginas.
No one likes getting their shit hacked, but this one pissed me off. Why would someone hack someone’s twitter account just to post nudies? I deleted it immediately, which I now realize was a mistake. The goddamn Asian vaginas have been on my feed, or whatever you call it, for a few months, so what’s a few more minutes? I should have investigated. Maybe the pic led to a porn site. Maybe the porn site had some wild shit on there. (Dammit! I was just about to write myself into a really fucked up corner by accident. This corner would have gotten me on a list for sure and people would hate me. I hate when that happens. At least I caught this one in time.)
No one should ever post naked stuff on someone else’s social media. What if my fabulous girlfriend was not so fabulous? She might not believe that my account was hacked by the Asian vaginas. Then she might kick me out. Once kicked out, it wouldn’t be long before I was under the bridge sucking dicks for Keystone Light. Or living with my mom. Either way, that would suck! What if some future employer was doing some research on me, got past all the other crazy shit I wrote, but the Asian vaginas put him or her over the edge. I would be fucking pissed! What if my current boss went snooping around? She’s from central Asia! Oh boy, if she reads this, I’m fucked…which brings me to my actual point.
I am not as nasty as people think I am. Even when I used a literary alter-ego, people still thought I was running around saying and doing those crazy things. One time, I gave a lecture to friend’s class about writing and a couple stories I’d written. Right in the middle of my talking about masculinity and the Four Noble Truths of Writing, this dude said, “Hey, Trey. What kinda titties you like?” Jesus, I thought. I looked over at my friend and she gave me a blank look that actually said, “Hahahahaha! You’re on your own, buddy.” I turned to the student and said, “Um, do you mean my main character?” He said, “Yeah, whatever. Same thing.” I assured him, and the rest of the class, that it was NOT the same thing. Then I said, “He likes all kinds of titties.” He said, “What about you? What kinda titties you like?” I said, “I also like all kinds of titties. Next question!”
So, future and current employers, I’m not as nasty as my writing may lead you to believe, and I do not under any circumstances post pics of vaginas of any ethnicity on social media.
And finally, to you, asshole hackers: I will be coming for you. You’re going to wish all I posted on your account was vaginas.