I'm still interviewing editors, so bear with me.
No matter what you say or think, it's tricky business trying to figure out if your lady friend had an orgasm.
I know some of you fuckos are like, "Bro, my girl comes every time she even sees my dong cuz I crush ass, bro." Wrong.
I know that some of you ladies are thinking, "If you have to ask, then I didn't. Bro," which is why I never ask. (I just realized that that particular line of thought could take me way off track. Maybe I'll come back to it later.)
Like I said, the whole thing is tricky.
1. There is no way to tell if a girl came. Period. Stop reading now. They will lie to protect your feelings. Some of them are good at faking it. She might even have a bag of synthetic pussy juice in her buttcrack which she uses to "squirt" right as you finish. (Don't ask me about the geometry or logistics about this. Bitches by tricky!) There are a million reasons. Maybe she just wants that shit over with because you're pounding away like you're prepping a nice piece of beef for chicken-fried steak. Who the fuck knows? Not you. Ever.
2. Learn to trick yourself. (I'm starting to think I need to change the title of this post, but I probably won't. Click bait is awesome!) You guys ever seen that poster in X-Files that says, "I want to believe"? That's how I feel about it. Since you'll never know anyway, just go ahead and believe. Ignore that bag of synthetic pussy juice and believe!
3. If you're with a younger lady, she may tell you that she's not sure if she came or not. She might be lying or she might be telling the truth. But, I can tell you this for sure: If she's not sure, she didn't. But maybe you can trick both of you into thinking she did. Whatever.
4. If her pussy muscles clamp down on your dick in a rhythmic fashion, there's a decent chance she busted a girlie nut. But that is no guarantee. She may have done a shitload of Kegels in preparation to trick you into thinking you made her come. Again, maybe you were pounding away—using your own Kegel muscles not to come too fast—and she decided to end it by clamping down on your dick with her pussy muscles to make you think she came so you can come and y'all can get back to watching The Bachelor.
5. If she shits her pants, there's a good chance she came. Wait. Ok, she's probably not going to shit her pants because, hopefully, she's not wearing any pants while you're fucking. Well, now that I think about it, you could make her come from a good old fashioned church-bus finger bang, but that's pretty rare. So, yeah, if she shits the bed (or beanbag chair or her dad's Barcalounger or whatever), she probably just came. But then again, this is not a sure-fire method to tell if she's actually had an orgasm.
Maybe you were at the bar doing shots before your love-making sesh. Those Jaeger Bombs may have gone straight to her butt. It's happened to me a million times—my butt, not hers, except for that one time in Birmingham, but I do NOT suggest bedding anyone in Alabama, ever. (The Bloody Sex with an Alligator shot is also a no-no if you're planning on smashing later in the evening. Trust me on that.)
Or maybe she's got a sneaky case of the diarrhea. Sneaky like she doesn't quite know she has the diarrhea yet. Maybe she feels it coming on and thinks she can hold off until it's over. And maybe she can't. Next thing you know, she's shit the fancy chaise lounge your MeeMaw left you in her will.
But on the other hand, or I guess the first hand, there's a reasonably decent chance she came if she shits on you or your furniture.
5.1. If she buys you a car, she probably came.
In the end, you just have to do your best. Pay attention. Clip your fingernails. Eat it. Give her a reach-around because everybody loves a good reach-around. Pay attention. Be gentle at first. Read some books about the yoni. Watch an instructional video on YouTube. I learned how to play the "Stairway to Heaven" solo off YouTube, so maybe you can learn to make a chick come.
Ask for coaching and let her be your coach. For example, "Would you enjoy it if I stuck my finger in your butt? How about a nice mid-coitus snack?" Something like that. Be polite. And don't try to fuck her like you're in a porno. Nine out of 10 chicks don't like getting railed in such a manner. (I have the data, so don't challenge me on that. [Of course, there's a time and a place for porno railing, but if you're wondering if she came or not, you're probably not ready.])
Now that you know you won't ever know, get out there and get it on! Because knowing you don't know is half the battle.
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