How the fuck am I supposed to work when I just found out that Erykah Badu is coming out with a candle that smells like her pussy? Fucking gross. And not only that, but the Diversity and Inclusion committee at work sent out an email with this suggestion: "Culture Attire Dress Up day on Friday, February 21st!!! Please wear your African American cultural attire and join us for a group picture." What do these two things have to do with each other, you ask? Not a fucking thing besides they both entered my consciousness within the last five minutes. And honestly, I wish Erykah Badu wasn't black in this case, but she is.
I would like it known from the start that anything I say about Erykah Badu's pussy has nothing to do with the color of her pussy. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm guessing that race doesn't affect pussy smell too much. If I'm wrong, please leave a comment with some well-documented evidence. Don't use Wikipedia as a source for whatever racial pussy-smell research you do. It won't be accepted.
Okay, I just did some of my own research (The Guardian, 2/12/20) about this pussy candle situation and found out two things:
1) Erykah Badu is actually making pussy-smell incense, not candles.
2) Motherfucking Gwyneth Paltrow DOES have a pussy-smell candle.
This is somewhat of a relief since Gwyneth Paltrow is white as fuck. Phew!
Wait, fuck, again, I'm not saying I bet her pussy smells better than Erykah Badu's pussy because she's white. I bet their pussies smell about the same, or at least on the same continuum of regular-girl pussy smells. I'm relieved because I feel much better about suggesting Gwyneth Paltrow's pussy stinks just as bad as Erikah Badu's. I mean, I'm sure both their pussies smell fabulous, but then again, they are pussies.
Okay, ladies, if you're still reading, I can imagine that not only do you think I'm a pussy-smell racist, but also that I'm just an asshole. Like, "Hey motherfucker, you think your taint smells so great?! You're a fucking dumb racist asshole and my pussy smells like magic. Asshole." I'm not saying that at all. I've smelled my taint, and I can tell you one thing for sure, no one wants a goddamn candle (or incense) that smells like my taint, or balls, or asshole, for that matter. Also fucking gross.
Do I need any more caveats? (Caveat isn't exactly the word I'm looking for but it's close.) Maybe I should do some virtue signaling. Fuck it, I think I'm good for now.
I found out about Erykah Badu's pussy-smell candle from my buddy Puerto Rican Johnny. We went downstairs to smoke, and once we were out of hearing distance from any normal people he says, "Dude! Did you know that Erykah Badu is putting out a candle that smells like her pussy?"
"Fucking gross! Who the fuck wants a pussy-smell candle?"
"I'd love to smell Erykah Badu's pussy!" he said.
"I'm not saying I'm opposed to smelling her pussy, like if I happened to run into her in the Kroger parking lot and she said, 'Hey Trey, want to smell my awesome pussy?' I would say, 'Hell yeah, Erykah Badu, I would love to smell your awesome pussy!' But would I want to come home from a long day of editing and farting around on the internet and light a candle that smelled like her pussy? Fuck no!"
"You're gay," Puerto Rican Johnny said.
"You're gay!" I said.
"And racist!" he said.
"Why the fuck am I racist? I'm hanging out with you."
"First of all, you're not wearing any African American Culture attire."
"Neither are you."
"I don't have to. I'm Puerto Rican."
"What the fuck does that mean? I'm fucking Irish."
"You're not Irish. You're a white dude from Texas."
"Either way, I would get my ass beat if I wore a fucking dashiki or whatever."
"Okay, you're right. You probably would get your ass beat," he said. After a brief pause, he said, "Oh yeah, you think Erykah Badu's pussy is gross because she's black! Racist fucker."
"Dude, I don't want to smell any pussy candles, no matter what color they are."
"Whatever," he said.
"Whatever yourself," I said. Then I thought of a perfect point: the hottest girl at work—we'll call her Smlashley Snith. She's undeniably hot and everyone would happily smell her actual pussy.
"Actually, fuck that. Even if there was a candle that smelled like Smlashley's pussy, I still wouldn't want that."
"Motherfucker, you would eat a Smlashley Snith pussy candle! You said you'd drink a gallon of homeless dude jizz just to lick her asshole."
Hold on, guys and gals, the VP of Digital Fuckery just sent me a message on Teams asking what I was working on. Be back in a sec…
Okay, she wanted to make sure I'd finished the diversity style guide for our freelance writers. I swear to god this is true. I did that shit last week after one writer used the word "Eskimo" in an article about the MBA in Supply Chain Management at a school in Alaska. Everyone knows you can't say "Eskimo." Jesus.
Where was I? Oh yeah, pussy-smell candles. Or was it the dumbass Diversity and Inclusion Committee. I'll start there.
I want to write an anonymous email to them pointing out their retardation. First of all, not all black people in America identify with their African roots. They should fucking know that. My black buddy, for example, was not pleased. And also, there was no mention that just African Americans should wear African shit, though it kind of goes without saying. But what about the dipshit white guy who doesn't know better? Maybe he's trying to be diverse and inclusive and maybe he's on the spectrum and he's trying hard to fit in and be normal? He's going get his ass beat just because of his good intentions. And finally, how "inclusive" is it to exclude half the company from the festivities? Not very.
Yeah, I know I'm showing my white male privilege. But I don't want a special white dude day. I just want something that actually includes everyone, or at least doesn't fuck up the nice Aspergery guy who works in analytics.
But whatever, pussy-smell candles!
After thinking too deeply on the subject (I'm bored as fuck today and my boss gives no flying fucks what I'm doing), I started to think about how you would actually make a pussy-smell candle. First, I thought about what it would take to create a candle with authentic pussy juice. But I don't think it's the juice that has the aroma. I think it's the bacteria. Don't get your panties in a wad about that, ladies. Every human has bacteria everywhere, so that's not an insult. Though we do have to consider bacterial vaginosis, but I doubt Erykah Badu or Gwyneth Paltrow have that. But even if they do, I'm not judging. It can happen to anyone. Anyway, I don't think you could scrape off enough pussy bacteria to make more than a couple candles. So what could make that smell?
And then it hit me: tacos. Tacos sometimes have a faint pussy-adjacent smell, which has always fascinated me a bit. I quickly went through my special taco recipe in my head and decided that it has to be a mix of cumin (no pun), chili powder, and meat. Maybe paprika? If I were at home, I would probably try to concoct something, but I don't have any taco ingredients at my desk.
And just imagine you're a candle scientist and you get an order for pussy-smell candles. I mean, I'm sure they know way more about how to make things smell a certain way that I do, but still. Does the candle scientist get to smell Erykah Badu or Gwyneth Paltrow's actual pussies before they start mixing? Do they send the candle scientist a pair of their dirty panties?
And who the fuck wants to have that burning in their house? Maybe it would be a special masturbation candle. Like dudes get in the bathtub, light their pussy candles, and smoke a joint while beating off in the bubbles. Or maybe it's just for those Japanese dudes who buy used panties out of those vending machines.
Or maybe I'm just a weirdo who doesn't particularly like a very strong smelling vagina. Normal aroma? Yay! But if it's strong enough for a candle, that's too much for me.
Stay tuned for my upcoming lineup of Trey's Taint-Smell Products!