Liam, 15 – Durant, OK
Liam, thank you so much for asking me a question that doesn’t have to do with sex. I have to ask though, do your parents know you read this? Jesus, I hope not. So glad you asked about running. I was also on the CC team and I also sucked. Coach McCready was an asshole. He used to chase me in a golf cart as I sprinted down the fairways during our golf course workouts. If I would have fallen, I would have died or been seriously injured. The whole time he was yelling, “Goddamnit, Edgington! Run. My granny runs faster and she’s been dead for 20 years!” One time, my dad accidentally ran over my foot as he was dropping me off at practice. Coach McCready called me a baby and told me to run it off. But as much of an asshole he was, he gave me one piece of advice that was priceless: Never stop running. No matter how slow you go. Even if you could walk faster. Never stop running. That piece of advice has never failed me. Not only do I run by it, but I live by it. There have been plenty of times in life that I could have walked faster, but I kept running. (You can learn all the other stuff about running from Runners World and the older guys on your team.)
Happy Running, Little Buddy,
GMan, I think you are like the hottest guy of all time. Anyways, my question is, do guys really care if you like swallow?
Sierra, 26 – Farmer’s Branch, TX
Sierra, thanks about me being the hottest. #Blush. I’m sure you’re hot too. Send me a pic. Down to business: This is actually a pretty complicated answer. Dudes, in general, are so happy about getting a blow job—I’m assuming that’s what you’re referring to—that they don’t give too much of a shit where their “love batter” goes when it shoots out. I’ve discussed this with my buddies quite a bit. Most of us have had some pretty bad ones. Most of us have been left with tooth marks. Almost all of us just let it ride. It’s not great, but you’re still getting a blow job, which is awesome! Now, if he doesn’t bust a nut, you’ve got a problem, and I say, “What the fuck is wrong with you, Sierra?” The main thing is finishing the job, so to speak. I know most of you ladies don’t want that shit in your face or hair, and I’m totally cool with that. On the titties is pretty nice, that is assuming that he’s actually looking where it goes. I personally don’t give a flying shit. As to your actual question, swallowing is a cherry on top of a lovely ice cream sundae. Either way, you’re still eating ice cream.
Hey, GMan. My boss is a total asshole, but I can’t quit my job. I really need it. If I get fired, my girlfriend will break up with me and I’ll end up under a bridge sucking dicks for Bud Light. HELP!!!
Alan, - 35 Allen, TX
Wow, Alan, you must be a huge fan! Thanks. I am completely familiar with your predicament. I recently had one of those “Your’e Fired, Fuck You I Quit” scenarios. Guess what? I’m not under a bridge, and I haven’t sucked any dicks yet. I had worked there for too long but I needed a final kick out the door. #FuckingBlessed. If you really have to stay, you should start fucking with your boss for fun. Use words they don’t understand. Bildungsroman is a good one, though it’s a little hard to work that into a conversation. Do gross shit to your boss’s stuff. Doodoo on the door handle of his Escalade. Boogers in his Gleneagles Country Club coffee mug. Stuff like that. See how many hours you can go without working (see previous post). My record is 46. But really, Alan, it’s probably time for you to go. Make a plan and tell your asshole boss to go fuck himself. It’s going to be scary, but you’ll be just fine.
Dear Sir, I have a new lady friend and I really want to please her…sexually. Can you tell me where the G-Spot is?
Elmer, 86 – Krum, TX
Holy shit, Elmer! I have the nastiest scene imaginable going on in my head right now. Dude, you’re 86! I’m going to quickly pretend that your new lady friend is between the ages of 18 and 48. Somehow thinking of you fingerbanging an 80 year old makes me think of my Gam Gam getting fingerbanged and that’s fucking sick. #PretendingHard. I knew this question would come up sooner or later, so I might as well get it out of the way.
First of all, the information I’m about to give you may not help you at all. Every goddamn vagina on the planet is different. Seriously. Even when you know where to start, you’re probably going to have to do some digging. And not to discourage you, but I’m pretty fucking sure that many chicks don’t even have the G-Spot. Or they have the Spot, but there are no Gs there, if you know what I mean. Anyway, as you perform the following moves, go slow and pay attention to her. (And clip your nasty old man fingernails.)
Step One: Get your new lady friend in a proper fingerbanging position. I suggest on her back and you sitting to her right, facing her. (Left if you’re left handed.) Play around down there for a while until she’s good and wet. This won’t take long because she’s 20. Use lube otherwise.
Step Two: After the flower has bloomed, jam your finger in there. JUST KIDDING. Don’t ever “jam” anything in there. Gently insert your middle finger into her sacred Yoni. Your palm should be up. Then bend your middle finger up until it hits the front wall of the pussy. It should feel like corrugated skin/flesh. That’s the spot! Sorta.
Step Three: Once you’re there, you should make a windshield wiper motion with your finger. The flesh there should swell, or somehow move, or something. Who the fuck knows? Anyway, if you’re doing it right and she can be G-Spot-Stimulated, orgasms should start flying out all over the place. Yay! And don’t get discouraged if nothing happens. If you start to freak out, read the Kama Sutra or go to tantra.com.