Dear readers, I know it's been a long time, and I apologize. All kinds of shit has gone down since the last post. Being a badass marketing dude ever has taken a lot of time and energy. It's kind of soul-sucking actually.
Note: My editor is a lazy bastard, so this is probably going to have some typos and shit. Not only is he lazy, but now he wants to get paid. Fuck him.
G Maing! Here's my question. I heard about this thing called a "Pussy Snorkel" on the Wheeler Walker Jr. podcast, but he didn't really explain it. What is it and should I buy one? Thanks again!
Joel 17 – Frisco, TX
Joel, thanks for the question. (Do kids really say "maing"?) Dude, you're 17 and should not be worrying about pussy-eating products. Just eat the fucking pussy wherever and whenever it presents itself. It's not like you have a lot of warning when you're going to be eating pussy in high school anyway (or maybe you do these days). Are you going to carry around your pussy snorkel in your backpack? What if your mom decides to pack you a sweet lunch and sees that shit? Come on, buddy. That being said…
I also heard about the pussy snorkel on the WWJr podcast, and I didn't really know what it was either. I know that's fucking shocking since I know pretty much everything about pussy paraphernalia, but it's true. You'll be happy to know I did some research.
The ad copy says, "The Pussy Snorkel allows a man to continue breathing while performing oral sex on a woman in a spa, bathtub or even a bowl of green Jell-O. Insert the breathing apparatus into your nostrils, rub the clitoral stimulator against your favorite reef and start with the tongue action. With the Pussy Snorkel, any man can be a dive master."
There's also a disclaimer that says you could probably drown if you're not careful eating the pussy under water. Well, no fucking shit. (I must point out that that copy assumes a heteronormative user, which I find offensive.)
When it comes down to it, the pussy snorkel is just fucking stupid. Eating the pussy underwater may be fun for a bit, but water is not a great mix with pussy juice. It washes that shit out and makes the pussy squeaky, and as great as a squeaky pussy may sound -- especially if you're 17 -- it sucks for everyone involved, especially if you're going to take so long that you need breathing apparatus.
The only thing the pussy snorkel really seems good for is eating the super stank pussy, which I don't advise. Imagine this: You start making out with a new chick and she gives you the sign to go down. You're like, Ooo-wee! When you slide her drawers down, you get smashed in the face by the worst stench you've ever smelled. Rotting fajitas and dead hamsters. But she's hot and you want to eat it anyway. Plus, you're a nice guy and don't want to tell this sweet girl that she's got the bacterial vaginosis and needs to go to the doctor pronto. And we all know that sometimes you just have a bad pussy day or a bad balls day or a bad whatever day. Stop being so judgy! Jesus.
Where was I? Oh yeah…so, are you going to reach into your backpack (past the nice lunch your mom packed for you) and pull out your pussy snorkel? Is that how you're going to do it? DO NOT DO THAT. She will cry and run away. She'll need therapy and probably never let anyone eat her pussy again. Once you commit, you fucking eat it like a man! No fucking pussy snorkel.
So, to answer your question, no, you should not buy a pussy snorkel.
Peace little bro!
What up, G? I met this hot girl at the club the other night and took her home. Dawg! I hit it and split it! She's pretty cool and she can fuck. And did I mention she's hot? The next morning I got up to piss, and as I walked back to the bed, something strange about her panties caught my eye. There was a gray square stuck on the butt strap of her thong. It looked like this:
I checked to make sure she was still asleep and then bent down to get a closer look. All of a sudden -- please don't judge me -- I had an uncontrollable desire to sniff the gray pad. It was a horrible idea because it smelled like a thousand farts trapped in that 2x2 piece of cloth. It gets worse. I smelled the front. Couldn't help myself. It was not the best idea I ever had.
Under normal circumstances I would straight up ghost, but she's really hot and I like her. She likes minor league hockey and cheap beer! Where else am I going to find a girl like that? So I guess my question is, what do I do?
Landon, 31 – Charlotte, SC
Landon! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? You're old enough to know better than to sniff some fucking panties after a girl has been drinking at the club all night. Jesus. But due to the strange item you found attached to her panties, I'll let it slide.
First of all, what you found is a Subtle Butt Reusable Gas Neutralizer. While I applaud this girl for handling up on her farts, I have to question her judgement on buying a reusable fart filter. Fucking gross. But on the other hand, maybe she's having a rough time financially, which makes it ok, I guess. I also find it strange that she attached it to the crack strap on her g-string. Doesn't seem like it would be as effective as it would be on some regular panties, a nice boy short perhaps. Also, it seems like it might fall off easily. Imagine: She's dancing around, farting up a storm, thinking it's ok because of her Subtle Butt Reusable Gas Neutralizer, but little does she know she's stankin up the dance floor. Obviously that didn't happen, but you get the idea.
I say you stick it out with this girl for a little while longer. I mean, shit, she likes cheap beer and minor league hockey. She's hot and likes to fuck. You're not going to find that every day. If she's really cool, you can mention the fart catcher to her and suggest that she buy the disposable Subtle Butts. That's the kind my girl uses. Maybe even offer to pay for them if she's low on dough. And don't judge the stank on the front side. She was sweating it up at the club! I bet your taint didn't smell so great either.
Good luck, Landon!
Hey GMan, I'm wondering if my new girlfriend is fucking crazy or I'm just an asshole. Last night, she asked me if I would do her while she had a Goddess Vaginal Detox Pearl in her vag. This thing is supposed to clear out past emotional and physical trauma, and, I think, ex-boyfriend spooge. I'm totally down with dealing with trauma (and I guess ex-boyfriend spooge), but I don't really think Goddess Vaginal Detox Pearls are the way to do it. What is in those things anyway? Sage and baking soda? Sounds like a rip-off to me. And why do I have to take part in this? I read their website and it doesn't say anything about stirring up the sage pussy bombs with your new boyfriend's cock. Or maybe I'm just an asshole. Let me know, buddy!
Ian, 29 – Bakersfield, CA
Ian, first of all, I know all about the Goddess Vaginal Detox Pearls. Why? Because I know pretty much all things vagina. Your girlfriend is most likely crazy because all chicks are kinda fucking crazy. Like my old man used to say, "If it comes with a coochie, crazy is a standard feature." Not the most PC thing to say, I'll admit, but it is all-too-often the truth. Not the point. So, yeah, she's probably crazy, but she also sounds fucking stupid. A chick should never trust anything that says, "You want to have a vagina that is super fleeky." It also purportedly cures bacterial vaginosis (Goddmamnit, why does the subject of stinky vaginas come up in every fucking one of these?), yeast infections, fibroids, and other shit. Are you fucking kidding me? You know what that shit's made of? "Herbal ingredients." If a company is selling some shit that promises fleeky vaginas and won't tell you what the actual ingredients are, I'm not sticking my dick anywhere near it, and you shouldn't either. Hold on. I'm about to do more research.
Ok, they do list the ingredients and I haven't heard of a fucking one of them. You may not know this, but I'm a healthcare writer by trade, so I'm pretty much a doctor. My advice: DO NOT STICK YOUR DICK ANYWHERE NEAR THAT.
Now I feel bad about calling her crazy. Poor girl has probably been through some serious shit. Tell your girlfriend to go to a doctor and a therapist for her pussy and emotional trauma. That shit is no joke. Fibroids are fucking tumors -- not something that should be treated with some internet snake oil. These Goddess Vaginal Detox Bomb people are terrible humans. Anyone who tries to sell bullshit to people who have been through emotional and physical trauma should literally go fuck themselves with a chainsaw.
You are not an asshole.
Take care, buddy,
Leave me your questions, and I'll answer ASAP!