Hey GMan. I think you’re super hot, but I’m going to pretend like I don’t. Thanks! So, I’m “seeing” this guy. I mean fucking, actually. The sex is ok and he’s pretty boring. He is hot though and has a great body. Anyway, the last time we slept together (fucked), he laughed like a crazy person after he came. Then he said, “That’s all I fuck! Chimps and orangutans!” Then he said, “Hey, I got this coupon for Jack in the Box Munchie Meals. You hungry?” I asked him what the fuck he was talking about and he showed me the YouTube video of Dave Chappelle AND the fucking Jack in the Box Commercial. What should I do?
Maggie, 34 – Highland Park, TX
ALOL HAHAHAHAHAHA! I LOVE THIS GUY! Holy shit, Maggie! I kinda have a boner right now, but unfortunately, it’s a #shameboner. Why is it a #shameboner? I’m not sure. I just feel weird right now. I’m thinking of y’all fucking and I’m not exactly sure who I wanna fuck more.
You should marry this guy! He sounds fucking awesome! I have to admit that I always laugh my ass off right after I fuck a new chick. I’m not sure why; maybe I’m just that excited. Who the fuck knows? And one time, after my buddy and a finished up on this THOT from the club, I started laughing and rapping Nelly’s “Must Be the Money.” What the actual fuck was wrong with me? So yeah, do whatever the fuck you wanna do. You’re a girl so you probably won’t take my advice anyway.
Love you the most,
GMan, is it gay to suck my buddy’s dick if we get to have a girl stripper tag-team afterwards?
Jason, 24 – Arlington, TX
What the actual fuck is wrong with you?!?! Of course it’s not gay to suck your buddy’s dick in exchange for fucking two strippers. Seriously, kids today.
You may be surprised to learn that the Legendary GMan found himself in this exact situation a few years back. My friends and I used to go to the titty bar all the time. One night, none of our girls were there and we were kind of bored. We decided to tell chicks we were gay and just trying to see what the big deal was about. Pretty soon this pair of chicks came over. I hate it when chicks come in pairs. Someone always gets guilted into get a lap dance from the more struggling of the two. Kinda like banging the fat friend of a girl your friend wants to bang. You know what I’m saying. But these chicks were Fu King HOT! They asked us what we were doing and we told them about being homos and trying to understand about titties and shit like that. They said that seeing us “get down” would be the hottest thing ever. “I have to go to the bathroom, and I think you do to,” I said, looking at my friend. “Huh?” he said. Then, “Oh! Yeah, I do.” When we got to the bathroom, I said, “I’ll suck your dick if we get to fuck those bitches.” He said, “Dude, I’ll let you fuck me in the ass if we get to fuck those hos!” I said, “Word” and we went back to the table.
At two, the lights came up and it was time to make this non-gay, dick-sicking, stripper-fucking thing happen. They followed us back to our apartment and we cracked open a bottle of Patron we’d been saving for just such an occasion. And then…nothing else happened. We played Trivial Pursuit and didn’t do anything gay at all. It’snotgay!NOTHINGGAYATALLHAPPENED. Nothing happened. I don’t want to talk about it, ok? Seriously. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine.
Hi GMan, I don’t want my friends to know this, so please change my name. I am fucking obsessed with Meghan Trainor. I love her and her fucking music. My friends would laugh me out of the group if they found out. We listen to what you would probably call “Hipster Douche-Bag” bands. Ones you’ve never heard of who only do internet and festivals. I watch “All About that Bass” constantly when no one is around. I know you don’t listen to this kind of stuff either (besides JT) but is it ok to like her? Does it mean I’m a “Chubby Chaser” if I really want to fuck her? What do I do?
“Lance” 25 – Denton, TX
Jesus Christ, Lance! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Fuck your friends. Shave your fucking beard, wax your taint, and buy some jeans that don’t cause testicular claustrophobia!
Meghan Trainor is the shit! You’re right. I don’t usually listen to pop music either, but she is fucking magic and I don’t give a fuck! That song is genius. My Fabulous Fiance introduced me to the video a few months ago and the shit made me tingle. I had to keep looking away and talking about the fat, gay fellow so she didn’t notice my bourgeoning infatuation. Then Meghan kicked her foot and slapped her heel, and I said, “Fuck Jessica Biel. This chick is my new Celebrity Freebie Fuck!” FF said, “Oh good.” (She sounds just like her mom when she says that and it’s so cute!)
FF had to work the next day, so I put that video on repeat and ogled the living shit out of her for a while. Then research mode kicked in. I found out that is 20. Jesus! In my head, she was 25 or maybe 30. I like to think of chicks I want to fuck in that age-range so as not to be super creepy. Not to mention that she’s talented as fuck for any age. I decided to make an exception on account of her singing most of the backup vocals and writing half the song herself. Then I found out she played football with boys! She’s just so goddamn cute! A few links down on the page I saw this article from The Independent, a UK publication I now hate, called “Meghan Trainor and Nicki Minaj's ‘booty songs’ aren't as body positive as everyone thinks they are.” The author of that shit is a retard. She talks about how the “booty songs” are not positive because they set up a binary of fat chicks and skinny chicks. Stupid ass bitch didn’t even listen to the lyrics! I might say more about this in a future blog. Anyway…
Here’s what I’d do if I got a hold of Meghan Trainor. (All of this would be consensual, of course.) Right when she walks in the door, I hug the fuck out of her, burying my nose in her hair cuz you know that shit smells awesome. Then I stand back and look at her for a minute. She’s wearing a blue/pink dress, tights, and those sexy-ass shoes from the video. Then I hug her again. Then I offer her a diet Coke cuz I’m a fucking gentleman. After that we get to it! I put her video on the big-screen—a version without the lead vocals. She gives me a fully-clothed lap dance and sings the fuck out of that song. After a few hours of that, she takes the dress off, exposing white thigh-highs, garter belt, and her awesome titties. She’s still wearing the shoes from the video. GODAMMMNNNNNNNNN!!! That’s when she tells me I’m allowed to touch her. I imagine Sriracha Twizzlers coming out of her butthole and Original Skittles dropping out of her sweet sweet pussy. (Sriracha flavor because of the razz in her voice and that dirty side that you know she has. Also, she has a magical butthole so the Sriracha Twizzlers don’t hurt her. Candy is obvious.) Then I eat it all the way up to her throat. I mean, I eat ALL OF IT! Like when people ask me how much I used to drink. ALL OF IT! She has about fifty or so orgasms—vaginal, clitoral, and G. Of course, G! I don’t stick my dick in her pussy hole, just because…I’m not sure why. Not worthy? Skittles in the way? Or maybe she can’t take it after all those orgasms.
So yeah, dude. Tell your friends to fuck themselves and rock out with your cock out to all the Meghan Trainor you want. (And no, it doesn’t make you a Chubby Chaser, retard.)
Nom nom slurp!
The Motherfuckin G Man