I usually hate writing blogs. I know I’m supposed to do it because I’m a writer and all that, but I can’t ever stay focused. I write a few—usually some sort of short story—and then I forget about it for months. I get bored too easily. Then someone tells me that the blog platform I’m using is lame and I switch. Then I write a few more. Then I forget about it. And then I remember and I feel guilty about not promoting myself and figure I’ll never get paid to write stories, my girlfriend will leave me, my future children will starve to death, and I’ll be on the street sucking dicks for Keystone Light. It’s fucking awful.
I’m jealous of popular bloggers, which is pretty embarrassing. My fabulous girlfriend sends me these blogs written by funny food chicks or moms or whatever. These people are way more famous than me. Don’t get me wrong; I usually enjoy reading them, but I just don’t get it. How do they get such a following? Hash tags and shit? I want some random person to send a link to my blog to one of their friends. Post that motherfucker on facebook or something. I hate being a jealous, lazy bastard. Then of course there are the political bloggers. Fuck that. I’m liberal and I think the health care in America sucks. I want free meds. That’s my political blog for the decade right there. And oh yeah, I don’t want to read anyone’s blog, no matter how funny or smart or whatever. But none of this is the point. The point is that I got paid to ghost write a blog a couple days ago. I gots time fo dat!
One of my former patients—I sorta cure people with depression with magnets for a living—is a freelance writer. She’s been trying to help me get going with that for a year, but I either lose interest or get discouraged. Anyway, she texted me the other day, saying that she had a job for me. She said she had too much on her plate. I was like, FUCK YEAH! (Dear anonymous patient, I’m still saying FUCK YEAH, if you happen to read this.) The blog was for some famous-ish dude who writes about happiness. We got a huge laugh over two depressed alcoholics writing anything instructing people on how to be happy. This shit was just crazy.
She sent me the info and I was pretty fucking scared about it. I watched a video of him doing a TED Talk. The dude is pretty funny and his advice on happiness isn’t totally retarded, which is shocking. He has books. Anyway, after doing about thirty minutes of research, I was even more freaked out. I’d never done anything like this before. I took the advice I always gave my students and started writing, expecting nothing but actual shit to come out in the first draft. As I kept writing towards my 550 word goal, my anxiety started to go away. I even got a little excited about the shit I was learning.
I must add here that I don’t think this blog about getting paid to ghost-write blogs for a famous-ish dude is very entertaining. Why the fuck would I put this blog about writing blogs for a famous-ish dude on my website if I don’t think it’s entertaining? I’m not sure. Fuck it.
I was pretty satisfied with what I’d written when I was done, but then I got anxious about my friend/patient thinking it sucked and feeling guilty and paying me for total crap that she would have to rewriter herself. I texted her saying that she could tell me if it sucked balls, she shouldn’t pay me, and I would still be friends with her. She told me that she was sure it would NOT suck balls. I let it sit overnight and emailed it to her the next morning. She responded immediately, saying it was awesome. She asked me for my PayPal info to pay me right then. (This next part is entertaining to me.)
I was taking an awesome shit when she wrote me back. While I was taking this awesome dump, I added my bank account to my old PayPal. So essentially, I made money while taking a shit. Sorta. That’s fucking #multitasking. I could write blogs about getting paid while taking a shit every day, but it’s probably only funny the first four or five times. Maybe I could write a tech blog about that. This has been one of the rare times that I actually liked my iPhone.
I just went out to smoke and forgot what the fuck I was talking about. Blogging? Yeah. So pumped to finally write a blog worth something. Enough money for approximately six lap dances.