I know, I know, ugh, micro-habits. Wake up at 1 a.m. Run 20 miles before breakfast. Eat kale and shit. Do squats while you’re pooping. Read five books made out of paper by rich people every day. Put your phone in the attic and the remote control in the oven.
We’ve all seen these lists before, and some of us (i.e., me) have made life-changing decisions whilst reading the first few paragraphs only to say “fuck it” before we’ve finished the third paragraph. THIS ISN’T ONE OF THOSE LISTS.
This is a list of shit to do that won’t take any time or effort. By getting in the habit of doing these micro-habits every day, they’ll become regular habits and you won’t have to think about it. And you’ll be awesome af. The benefits are pretty much endless. Here we go, fuckers!
Wake Up Early
I suggest waking up about two minutes before that first Zoom call of the day. This will give you time to pee and grab the Starbucks you had delivered to your front porch. Because I’m a micro-habit-having, influencing bad motherfucker, I wake up 10 minutes before my first Zoom call. I use this time to smoke a couple of cigarettes, hit the vape pen (weed), and take a shit. Maybe you can work up to that, but don’t feel bad about yourself if you only smoke one cigarette. We can’t all have our shit together like me.
Maintain Good Posture
Research from the University of Phoenix shows that sitting in a chair is better than sitting on the floor. The back of the chair lets you know just how far forward you should be hunched over while at your computer. Hunching is a natural position for people who work at computers, and as we know, natural is best. It’s a proven fact that GMOs and shit like that are bad because they aren’t natural, so why is sitting with “good posture” any different? It’s NOT. Further research from the University of Phoenix shows that hunching strengthens your dorso-anterior musculature system, which leads to radiant face skin and may reduce the effects of aging genitals.
More Screen Time
This may sound counter-intuitive, but screen time is fucking great. Recently, I’ve been watching nine hours of dancing bikini bitches on TikTok. Every. Single. Day. It’s been great for my marriage. My wife loves it when I compare her body to younger girls’ bodies.
I also watch quite a few QAnon guitar videos on YouTube. Turns out you can shred like Dimebag Darrell if you play a B.C. Rich Warlock right at the edge of the flat earth. Not only that, but they have a food truck that sells baby juice and you can drink it right there! (Note: I know that Dimebag played a Dean, not a Warlock, but you’ll want Warlock powers when you’re standing on the edge of the world, and you’ll look like a fucking beast.)
YouPorn. If I need to explain this, you should probably quite life now.
Watching dumb shit on Netflix is also great. I feel smart when I watch shit like The Queen’s Gambit. Look at me, I’m a serious fucker who watches shows about chess. Or you can watch Tiger King and feel superior to those redneck motherfuckers in Oklahoma.
And finally, the blue light from all your screened devices will make you sleep like a fucking baby.
Read, Read, Read
Everyone knows that reading paper books by dudes who are richer than you will make you rich like them. I mean, duh. But have you tried reading cereal boxes while you’re having Lucky Charms at three in the morning? That shit is fucking great. Sometimes there are games on the back of the boxes. Last week, for example, there was a zany maze that led to magical marshmallows. If you get the Irish midget (I’m ¾ Irish, so I’m allowed to say that.) to the marshmallows, you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing he’s eating a nutritious breakfast.
Sugar is fucking terrible for you. It shrinks your dick, makes your titties sag, and gives you Super-Herpes. That’s why I drink Diet Coke. Just the other day, I read an article on Facebook that said Diet Coke actually turns any sugar you’ve eaten in the last 24-36 hours into cauliflower protein. I drink about 32 DCs a day, and I’m skinny as fuck, my penis is aggressively long (though embarrassingly skinny), my titties are riding high, and I don’t have Super-Herpes. What more proof do you need?
Smoke Weed Before Going to the Grocery Store
The grocery store is a scary place these days. There are all those weirdos wearing masks and standing six feet apart. What the fuck is all that about? I don’t know, but it’s fucking scary. Just the other day, I was at Kroger, minding my own business, when this lady comes up to me and says, “Excuse me, sir, but I would feel more comfortable if you were wearing a mask.” To which I said, “Look here, lady, I would feel more comfortable if you shut the fuck up! I’m not wearing a mask just cuz everybody else is. If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you? Also, stop trying to take away my second amendment right to not wear a mask! Goddamn fascist! This is America!”
Anyway, I got a little off topic there. Grocery stores are scary, so it’s best to mellow out with a little weed before going to buy your Diet Cokes and Lucky Charms.
No Negative Self-Talk, You Fucking Retard
People say the worst things to themselves. Let’s say you get passed over for that promotion at the meat-packing plant. Bobby Sue got it and you know it’s just because she’s a woman and probably sucked the bossman’s dick. You might say to yourself, “Goddammit, I’m so fucking stupid. I shoulda sucked that dick. Fuck, I’m dumb. I hate myself for not getting Trevor’s knob in my mouth. I bet she swallowed too! I might as well just kill myself! Fuck.” But don’t do that. How could you know that you needed to suck Trevor’s dick to get that promotion? And you remained faithful to your wife. Ask yourself this: Would Jesus have sucked Trevor’s dick? Fuck no! It clearly states in the Bible that Jesus sucked no dicks.
Instead, say something like, “Good job on not sucking that dick, Self.” Look at the positives. “Remember, Self, if you would have sucked that dick and gotten the promotion, you would have to work more and that wouldn’t leave any time to research things on the internet like the benefits of drinking baby juice and what kind of guitar Dimebag Darrell played.”
Spend Time Outdoors
Some people go for hikes and some people enjoy birdwatching. Personally, I enjoy smoking cigarettes in my garage. According to a study conducted by UTI (Auto Technical School), spending time outside reduces the risk of stress-induced toenail fungus and bellicose masturbating.
Do what makes you feel good, but I suggest multitasking. While smoking, I like to do YouTube research about the cabal of Satan-worshipping, child-molesting, ass-eating monkeys that is trying to destroy this great nation of ours. I do this while standing because standing is healthy.
I don’t mean to harp on that lady at the grocery store who wanted to take away my constitutional rights, but it’s such a perfect example that I can’t resist. For a split second, I considered saying “sorry.” I’m not sure why; I hadn’t done anything wrong. But then I thought, I can’t let the conspiracy vaxxers win.
Also, apologizing is bad for you. According to Cappella University – Tuscaloosa, apologizing has been proven to cause “mooshy feces in rats.” Fuck that. Not only does it cause the mooshy poops, it makes you look like a big ol’ pussy. Sorry, Nancy, not sorry, go fuck yourself and eat a dick!
Well, shit. Turns out I only had nine micro-habits to change your life. I’m not always so good at counting. Sorry about that.
Anyway, once you’ve incorporated these micro-habits into your daily life, you’ll be a happy, successful motherfucker like me. Good luck!