Don't Read This. It's Boring.
Coming up with new content every week is not as easy as it may seem. I'm out of shitty recipes and no one has asked the GMan any questions in weeks. I have one sad story that isn't quite finished and there's no way it will be finished in time for this week's post. Shit.
Right now, I'm staring at a Chick-fil-A cookie and sending pics of robots having sex to the dude in the next cube. (It's a bad idea to Google "gay robots" at work, by the way.) He just threw a clown nose at me because that's the kind of dude he is. The back of the clown nose resembles a vagina, if vaginas were bright red and had no lips. Sometimes he turns it sideways and raises his eyebrows. He's trying to goad me into saying something racist about Asian chicks, but there's no way I'm going to say something about Asian chicks' vaginas at work. Plus, I'm not sure if I've seen any Asian vaginas in real life.
I'm avoiding editing this boring ass article about online Master of Education programs, which is usually a great time to write something for myself. Not today. Today seems like a good day to…I'm not sure what. I was going to say "nap" but every day is a good day to nap. I also thought of saying "drink on a patio" but that also works pretty much every day—and I actually don't feel much like drinking, even if I did still drink. Ok, maybe that's not true. If the Sweet Baby Jesus said, "Trey, you can drink now. Yay!" I would probably get immediately SuperDrunk. I also thought of saying it's a good day for a road trip. Again, that's every day. I'm just going to go with "nap." It's a good day to nap.
I left my sandwich and chips at home today, so I had to buy Chick-fil-A (thus the cookie I'm staring at). I may have given myself a mild-to-medium case of diarrhea, but so far it has been worth it. We'll see how that goes as the afternoon progresses.
I found out this morning that my cousin actually likes the Oxford Comma. What the fuck? I usually don't engage in such debates, because duh and the people who debate such things usually don't know what the fuck they are talking about. But I respect my cousin, so I commented. He majored in journalism. I majored in English. Journalism majors are lame. [insert sarcastic/ironic emoji here] I have to leave those commas out at work, which used to piss me off. Now, I could not give two flying shits about the Oxford Comma one way or another, though I still use it in my actual, non-work writing, because, of course, it is a superior construction. So lick it, suck it, and eat it, AP Stylebook.
Man, these motherfuckers around me won't stop talking about work. (They aren't actual motherfuckers. I like everyone who is around me right now. No, seriously. That bitch in accounting hasn't been by since this morning. She said her fake "How are you doing this morning?" and kept walking before anyone had a chance to answer. "My morning would be a lot better if you would shut the fuck up!") Where was I? Oh yeah, people around me are blabbing about work and distracting me from this piece-of-shit post.
You might be wondering—if you're still reading—why I posted this stupid shit. Well, I have a goal of posting one blog per week, no matter what. This is what "no matter what" looks like. I also have a goal of at least one post on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter every day. I'm also trying to make myself interact with people on the social media at least five times a day on each platform. Why? I'm trying to drive readers to my fabulous writing so I can get rich and famous and then be able to use commas any way I fucking want. And tell people to eat a dick. Actually, I mostly want to tell people to eat a dick.
Have a good weekend, guys and girls! I promise I'll have something super fucking awesome next week. Or at least some poop/dick jokes.
Follow me on Twitter @edgefiction101 and Instagram @edgeman3000.